Make Toilet Paper Great Again

Caution: Read at your own risk. This blog post contains information of a most intimate nature.

Am I imagining it or did Scott toilet tissue used to be a premium brand?

I say “used to” because I recently opened a bale of it up and put several rolls into my bath and powder rooms. It took me about a week or so to connect this installation to disturbing discoveries of BALLED UP SHREDDED WET OLD TOILET PAPER that were clinging to me in various nooks and crannies of my anatomy.

Can you believe it took me that long to make the connection? It was a relief to discover that it was the toilet paper that was defective and not that my nooks and crannies suffered any recent change that caused them to retain things after only a glancing acquaintance. Once I did manage to put two and two together, I mentioned it to my husband and he said that he too had recently been afflicted with BALLED UP SHREDDED WET OLD TOILET PAPER but to  a lesser degree*. Furthermore, he complained that rolls of the stuff from the same bale varied in sheet thickness.

*That’s because he only has crannies and I have both nooks and crannies. Biology is destiny, people.

So what to do now? I’ve always avoided big puffy toilet paper such as Charmin because the puffiness seemed to me to be overblown and unnecessary. That’s why I liked Scott because it was just straightforward sheets of plain paper that did not puff, cushion, cloud or anything else. Except shred and hang around after their intended purpose had been fulfilled.

Also not sure I mentioned this but I think you should know that I spend a lot of my free time tracking down every available version of Witchi Tai To that YouTube has to offer. Here’s the one I most love at the moment:

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10 thoughts on “Make Toilet Paper Great Again

  1. We use Cottonelle because my husband’s doctor told him to use “expensive toilet paper”. We took that to mean plush. We both like it and there is no hint of sodden masses of left behind loo roll. I’d chuck the Scott’s immediately. Or donate it. Though why inflict it on the homeless?

  2. After years of construction work, and plenty of John Wayne toilet paper, only the softest, plush, comfortable, never tear, never ball, never leave residue toilet paper is what I seek. It’s bad enough to sit on a cold seat in sub-freezing weather. Adding what can best be described as sub-standard wax paper only makes the event more miserable.

    Call it one of my luxuries at home. It’s cheaper than gambling.

  3. Angel Soft is the only good one. I order it from Amazon by the case. I also like Forest Green or Seventh Generation if you feel like being environmentally friendly, but those are spendy. I only buy those if I run out of Angel Soft and have to run to an actual grocery store to make due. Scott has always been the cheapo one. That’s what my Dad used to buy to stock the trailer park bathrooms, back in the day. But he’d always buy something higher class for our house. Trust me on this…never waste money on cheap toilet paper! Angel Soft is the best.

  4. Pingback: UPDATE on Major Toilet Paper Issue | Cripes Suzette

  5. Ok since you opened this discussion…. for years I’ve been buying Charmin Ultra Gentle and yes it is probably the most expensive toilet paper on the market, but I only purchase it when it is on sale and then I stock. It has a bit of lotion on in and is very comfortable on all the nooks and crannies. It is the only toilet paper I’ve ever had where people come out of the bathroom and ask what brand it is… honestly …this has happened. It may make me a toilet paper snob but so be it… it is one of life’s little luxuries that I can indulge in.

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