I am living proof that optimism is on the rise in the age of Trump. The daily drag of hearing about and especially looking at Hillary! and World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ wore one down to the point of nausea. The idea of thinking about them enough to develop an amusing blog became more and more repulsive until it became unbearable.
But now! Now everything is different. So I’m thinking of new blog categories that I can enjoy as well as you my lovely readers would. Here are two ideas that I’m playing around with:
Who knew our little Chelsea was such an innovative foodie? Not only did her Spinach pancakes take the Twitter world by storm, but her follow-up justification that she was addressing deficiencies in her daughter’s dietary intake adds another dimension to analyzing her food ideas and menu selections. (Example: “Parenting Tip: look after your toddler’s vitamin needs by letting her suck on refrigerator magnets shaped like alphabet letters. Letters A and C are especially popular with kids and moms alike!”)
Dispatches From Camp Kalorama
This would be a Dear Diary kind of thing written in the voice of a sardonic teen age Valerie Jarret. Disaffected diarist Valerie June would complain about everything and mock recurring characters: a former first lady known as LaVaugn, a spoiled and lazy former first daughter Cha Cha plus various visitors such as failed presidential candidates, assorted lesser Kennedys and a US Senator known as Walks With Massholes.
Yes, I think these ideas deserve serious consideration.
[Preface: I have a thing against popular bloggers giving advice or swaying reader opinion when they themselves are have mental disorders and deficiencies. It’s not reasonable to use your public platform in this manner. People, generally those not fully formed who merely enjoy your writing come to think of you as a role model and are very susceptible to adopting your opinions, valid or not. I include myself in this group of mental defectives even though I only have a dozen regular readers. Evidence below as I reveal my plan to spend 60 hours creating an asswipe.]
I finished the vintage 1991 Black Ikat piece, even though I ran out of yarn and had to buy some online knowing that the dye lots (and the decades) would be different. I had a feeling this was going to happen, so my strategy was to use the vintage yarn in the center and supplement with new yarn if necessary around the edges. That was a plan that paid off. Out of 5 new skeins, only one is of a noticeably different hue.It was a disappointment right from the start when i realized that the colors that I expected to pop against the black background were fairly dull and uninteresting. I thought this was going to be some colorful patches with incidental trim of small boxes at the edges, but it turned out to be a wild riot of confetti rings with non-colorful color blocks in the center. Please congratulate me for sticking with this one to the end – 178 hours worth of work. When I ran out of yarn, that was the perfect excuse to ditch this one but instead I acted like and adult and persevered to the end. Maybe I have finally changed my life-long behavior of leaving things partly done and walking away. Said the leopard to her own spots.
Now I’ve started a small piece of simple design. It’s called Brussels Carpet based on a pattern at the Smithsonian, kit created in 1994. I’ts 10″ X 12″, the design is simple and uses only 6 distinct colors. Piece of cake! I figure this one will take ~ 50-60 hours because the pattern is so simple and repetitive. The joke is on me because so far I’ve put in about 20 hours and only got this far:
Instead of a simple tent stitch, I ‘m using a Victorian Cross Stitch which is two crossed stitches in the same space that a single slash stitch would be. I had to, due to the crappy nature of the yarn that came in this kit. The effect is that of tiny little knots and gives the piece the appearance of a handmade carpet. I’ve been spoiled by working my first 3 pieces with the luscious spun as a single strand Appleton yarns. This kit came with “Persian Yarn”, which is code for three stand lengths, that need to be separated so that you can work with 2 strands at a time. Which is bullshit and was a disaster. What a ghastly, bumpy, uneven mess that was. So I ripped out the small patch I had done and used single strands in the VCS . I believe that should give me enough single strands to finish the entire piece. If it doesn’t then I’m just going to trim away the unsticthed canvas and use whatever is left as an asswipe.
The other issue that makes this slow going is that the symmetry of the pattern demands perfection in stitch placement . I ripped out some parts of that rosette three times already. I’ve got to stop doing that – what looks so dire and obvious under the magnifier I use when I work is imperceptible to the naked eye. I think. The thing about ripping out VCS – because they cross over on the back side as well as the front – is that its more cutting the stitches to pull them out rather than pulling back single stitches to get to the point things started to go to hell. Which wastes yarn. So, hello asswipe of the future.
So yesterday, hot hot Sunday, stayed inside in blissful air conditioned comfort but nothing good on TV to provide background noise. Turned to BET to watch House of Payne which is a show I sort of liked when it was in production.Left the channel on as I stitched and cursed my way through my terrible hobby. A string of black chick flicks came on one after the other. In general, I like a chick flick as background noise – they are the perfect light entertainment. I was struck by one PSA that played frequently for a project called DeEscalate Don’t Kill. It was the first video at that link, a general message for peace and understanding . My first thought was that the people who need to deescalate are probably not spending their Sunday afternoons watching movies about how to balance successful careers as lady lawyers or corporate VPs with your love life or when to tell your new man that you have children. But when we got to the part where the general watching public was invited to “upload a video telling us how you feel about [recent police shootings] for a chance to be heard on BET.”, I realized that this effort was probably not going to do much to deescalate things.
On a personal level, I’m not fan of the police. I do believe they profile to select the people they stop. I, for instance, fit the profile of a Slightly Tardy Business Woman Just Trying To Get To Work On Time and have been stopped, bossed around and ticketed for speeding many, many times. Perhaps I am a public menace but they enver tell me theya re stopping me for safety reasons. I keep my mouth shut even though I desperately want to ask them why they are not out chasing criminals or actually stopping obvious out-in-the open crimes. (Answer: because its less dangerous for them to stop business women than is it to engage with real criminals)
On the other hand, I am very grateful for police when it comes to crowd control. Republican Convention this week, flames fanned by the deceitful media – anything can happen, including a measure of Blue Flu to avoid being picked off by domestic terrorists emboldened by the irresponsible president. Who can blame them? For all the 20 year old knuckleheads who want to riot, create mayhem and get their mugs on TV, go right ahead. This goes for 40 year old paid agitators, too. but people with baby carriages, young children, old grannies and physical disabilities – stay away. You can work out your rage by uploading a video expressing your rage from the safety of your tear gas-free home.
Famous Bloggers I notice that all of the more famous bloggers do this:
shamelessly pilfer material
eventually reveal themselves to be mentally unbalanced
I have my beefs with some of them but wth? They would be just as unbalanced and pitiable if they were not famous, so I choose to keep my opinions to myself.
Blogging Daily I used to do that. And it was good. There was a whole community of commenters that engaged with me and with each other. I still have great commenters but not so many. I was looking at a few old posts and I consistently drew 12-30 comments on each. That’s what makes blogging worthwhile – the feedback*. Can’t remember why I slowed down. I’m going to try and post here a little more often than I’ve been doing lately. What follows is quality examples of what you can expect.
Morning Prayer Dear Lord, Please give me the strength to stop buying vintage needlepoint pillow kits from eBay. Also the devil put before me the search term “vintage tapestry cushion kits” and now I need extra strength to avoid British eBay too because that’s where the good stuff is.
Cabbage Steaks With Sour Cream Hey, guys – I’m dieting again. For two weeks. It’s my own food plan called Mostly Aktins and No Gin Mostly Aktins and Less Gin. But do you know that gin has no carbs? And do you know that a shot of gin is only 73 calories? And do you know that “a shot”= 25ml? Who is that for, 25mls – Grandma on her 100th birthday?
Temptation I have given up the world of blogging about Gross Democrat Women (because they make me sick) but man, how much temptation can a person take? Hillary’s coughing, a crystal encrusted MOO** and now enormous first daughter Malaria heading for that all-American distillery of knowledge, Harvard University. That last one is killing me . I envision a series called “Malaria Hits Harvard” perhaps written in the style of New England Journal of Medicine articles for all my medically-oriented readers. And a sub category called “Sausage Party; Teen Ho Down in the White House”. I could work up enthusiasm for that.
*Even from the pre-BLM era thugs who commented to insult me because I pointed out the truth about world Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama.
**Who could use a little Mostly Atkins and Less Gin herself these days.
No Idea. This is the title of a blank draft I found on my WordPress dashboard. Other great ideas that never made it to publication include:
The Unexpected Benefits of Sloth This was about being too lazy to change the TV channel and lucking out by finding Hall & Oats guest starring as the entertainment for a fake wedding on Will & Grace
Whither the Split Leaf Philodendron? All the 50s and 60s TV shows had them, from Alfred Hitchcock to Dick Van Dyke. Even Andy Griffith had one. .They fell out of fashion – does anybody have these anymore?
As If Any More Evidence Was Needed No content. Probably about how disgusting Obama is. Any Obamas. All Obamas. Pick one.
Turnip and Turnip Head Definitely about an Obama. The one who’s trying to ensare America’s youth and convince them to give up burgers and fries for … turnips?
Eyes Wide Open This is bitching about another department at work trying to take over one of my very successful projects. I don’t remember what I was going to write here but fyi – I smited them and retained publicly acknowledged ownership of my shit. BOOM
Iron My Bullhorn! No content but I have it saved under the category of Cankles! I hope I can get interested in writing about Hillary again – I’ve got some killer pictures saved up and also a sub story line featuring Chelsea’s daughter and Huma’s son as baby politicians who seek advice from their politically experienced relatives. Spoiler alert: burqas!
Heat wave This one is the outline for a boring/pathetic thing I started in July. Here is what I have written down. Sounds more like a to-do list than a blog post: This is how we do it. Hem stitch the most stupid cafe curtains. Hand water cherry tomato plants. Ache for BI costal husband. Resent yuppies who planned ahead. Gently abraded paint streaks form Romanian furniture. Plan to do sun salutation tomorrow. And tomorrow and tomorrow.Veg. Weep. Pull weeds.
Effective Immediately No content.
… And Sincere Best Wishes That No One Turns Your Transponder Off This was the only real disappointment when I discovered there was no content here.
The Lamps of Latin Lovers I could have sworn I posted this one. It’s a bout stand-out table lamps in old movies.Looks only partially complete. Maybe I’ll publish it anyway.
The Brother-In-Laws of Joan Baez I’m going to work on this someday. I have folders full of newspaper articles, posters and photographs just waiting to be shared with you. The problem is that I start reviewing them and then I get lost in reverie.
Uh Oh No content.
My Opinion No content but probably about a boob belt.
Feel free to develop any one of these. Put your ideas down in the comments, limited to 140 characters or less.