Suddenly Summer!

The sun is shining, a light breeze passes through now and then and its 91 degrees. What a perfect beach day at the Jersey Shore.

image
Greetings From Asbury Park

Thank heaven I’m in the comfort of my own home in blissful air conditioning. Frankly, I never did get how anyone could enjoy themselves at the beach knowing that they had what is always an agonal car trip home ahead of them.

As my first act of official Summer 2016, I made a batch of Hot Dog Onions. I developed what I believed was the perfect recipe, but I see now that it needed modification. Here are the changes I made:

  • I made short slices of onion instead of dicing them. Texture is important here.
  • I microwaved the onions in a bit of water, drained them and then sautéed them briefly in 1 tablespoon of oil. This softens the onions without them absorbing too much oil.
  • I reduced the tomato paste to 1 tablespoon and the ketchup to 2 tablespoons. And I actually measured them out instead of eyeballing it.These amounts produce the exact shade of orangy redness without water logging the sauce.

So I have flowers in the deck pots, a half-assembled gazebo and a daughter on the way up from Philadelphia with fancy cocktails in tow. This is all so much better than digging sand out of all your cracks while at a standstill on the Parkway, 10 miles but 2 hours away from home.

Jersey Girl

There were many more things about Denver that irritated me on this last trip. Maybe it’s because I was there for 6 days and the irritation was cumulative.

PrintHere’s the thing : people feel free to insert their political commentary into every conversation and do not ever stop to consider that perhaps not everyone shares their opinion. Okay. I get it.You are the most important person in the world and so of course everyone must agree with you, but within the space of three days, two people inserted insults specific to Governor Christie and four insulted NJ in general.

So now it’s on. My mission is to convert them all to become NJ lovers. It’s going to be hard to do without personally experiencing our coastal sunsets and Jersey tomatoes, but even if I have to hand out boxes of J&J Band-aids® and Statue of Liberty trinkets  to every one of them, I’m going to make it happen.

There Are More Weathermen Than Snowflakes Around Here

Can we all agree that the phrase “storm of the century” should be banned from the English language?

unnamed (5)
the only birds around today are on decorative outdoor flags

It did snow, yes. And it was enough snow to call for the use of a snow blower instead of a shovel and broom, yes. But Snowmegadon, no not hardly.

Now look, I get how  difficult it is to depend on hyperlocal weather models and that forecasting local weather is more or less guessing – but this is my big beef: Why must the local TV stations continue with their plans to pre-empt the hour before the 5 o’clock news to deliver the worst possible scenarios for the upcoming weather when it is clear that the original prediction has changed?

The reason this is so disturbing to me is that Judy Judy comes on at that time – 2 episodes! And I DVR them to watch after I come downstairs after spending the day hunched over a keyboard being courteous and helpful to all who cross my path. After 10 hours of that, I live vicariously though JJ as she cuts people off, calls them morons and tells them that they are ridiculous. Imgine how disappointing it is when I scroll through the recorded list, see 2 episodes of Judge Judy and hit the PLAY button only to see Bill DeBlasio standing in front of s snow plow.

Also, as the weather people were whipping up panic about the approaching STORM! OF! THE! CENTURY!, UPS drove down my unplowed street, walked up my unshoveled driveway and delivered a package, setting it right against my front door. The weather people could take a lesson from the UPS drivers.

 

To Quote Patty Smyth “Goodbye To You”

Some people are Early Adopters; I’m more of a Late Abandoner. You’re looking at proof of that right here – blogging went out of fashion years ago and yet I cling to it as my main platform. but this is not about the internet or about social media. This is about Bravo TV.

Bravo TV certainly never was designed for mass appeal but I did like the pop-culturey trashiness and I watched a lot of it. Wedding-gowned Bethenny Frankel peeing in a campaign bucket at the Four Seasons? Yes. 40 year old Persians getting shit faced as if they were 15 year olds left alone with their parents’ liquor cabinet for the first time. I was right there. And the pinnacle of Trash TV mountain – The Real Housewives of New Jersey I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

But I dropped one show after another until only RHoNJ was left and then Bravo screwed that up, too. With few exceptions, the celebrities featured on Bravo shows are below normal intelligence level but the crew they have now are the dumbest of the dumb*. And they get that title only because Teresa Giudice is on her way to “college”.

*Too bad because this season’s new housewives are from my neck of the woods [Central NJ readers will immediately get that joke] and maybe the series would have shown some of them caught in pumpkin picking traffic along Rt 34.

And this is what I want to say because the rest of the internet is not saying it. Teresa seemed to believe that she would be spared prison time because she is caretaker to her 4 daughters. In the world of feels>facts that we live in today, the internet – at least commenters and tweeters  – agreed with her. But this is what I want to say: The prisons are full of mothers.

In an act of brazen self-promotion – and I’m not sure who is worse here Bravo TV/Andy Cohen or Teresa and Joe Giudice, the two convicts showed up for a post-sentencing interview on Watch What Happens Live. Andy asked direct questions and T&G gave answers that consisted mostly of “I don’t know” and “whatever”. But here’s the thing I found most striking of all: Teresa was dressed like a nun!

teresa-joe-giudice-wwhl-sneak-peek

Step aside Hillary Clinton. There’s a new wardrobe messenger in town. Check it out:

  • flattened hair
  • minimal jewelry
  • no glittery eye shadow,
  • no garish lip or nail color
  • no cleavage
  • no ruffles/frills
  • no spray tan

and in the most ironic example of too little too late:

  • she was wearing hosiery.

Hosiery! To improve her image and make her more acceptable to the main stream of American society, World Famous Trash Icon and Busy Mom (patent pending) Teresa Giudice is telegraphing that she is a modest, decent woman by means of pantyhose. World Famous Fashion Icons and Busy Moms™  , take note.

I can’t watch Bravo TV anymore not even as post-work decompression device or as simple background noise. In summary, goodbye BravoTV you trashmonger, goodbye Teresa you convicted felon and with any luck at all, goodbye MOO and your shiny bare legs.

…………………………………………………………….

You can – and you should – watch the Bravo interview. If you missed the 52 times they broadcast it since the original airing, you can find it anywhere on line. But the best analysis of what turns out to be part 1 of this interview can be found here:

7 Nonsensical Things Teresa And Joe Giudice Said On ‘WWHL’

That recap is done in exactly the spirit necessary to view anything at all on BravoTV.