signed, Mellow In Florida

I was going to tittle this post “The Kinder Gentler Suzette” but in light of the fact that I’m mulling over a blog series called Hillary Packs!, it might not be especially kind or gentle around here for all that long.

Yes, Hillary Packs! in which our intrepid heroine prepares to flee the country ahead of the inevitable indictments. Each blog post would be about a single thing she’d be packing, say vodka* chardonnay or various types of crutches. Maybe she won’t pack a suitcase but just load up her Scooby van and head for the Canadian border. [sidebar: Do we have a extradition agreement with Canada?]

[*THIS should have been a big hint about what she was up to with that Uranium One business – a sudden an unlimited supply of Russian Standard. That’s one thing that never changes about HRC. She always tells us what she’s doing, one way or another.]

I don’t know.  I’m telling myself in can make people laugh with the Hillary series, but you’ll remember that I had to give up blogging about World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ because she made me sick.

Okay. Here’s one for old times sake:

Or maybe this?

Nevermind. I’m done with them and now I’ve put myself in a bad mood. And to think this post was going to be about Santa.

On Balance

I was gone for 6 days last week during which time my DVR dutifully recorded every episode of my all time favorite show, Judge Judy. I’m very sad to report that I am going to have to stop watching JJ until this current farce is over  – that show is loaded with ads for both Hillary! and Bernie. I must say there’s one where Hillary looks less bulky in trim black leather and Bernie doesn’t seem so hulking and bent as he does in still shots. Even so, these ads are loathsome reminders of the state of things and interrupt my peaceful escape from reality.

In other news, the chalk paint epidemic worsens. If we can’t unite around the concept of a presidential candidate that is not a criminal or dangerous dreamer, at least we can all agree that the unconscionable desecration of decent wood furniture must be stopped.

I might at some point in the future change my mind about this but right now I mourn the loss of decent plain china hutches.

And while we’re at it, let’s not forget to screw up vintage Thomasville accent chairs.

I weep.

On the plus side, I’m especially enjoying the lovely spring day here – more so in light of the 12″ of snow that fell on Denver right after I flew out. The power is back on now. (I suspect the basement carpenters.) And I got the best haircut of my life last week.

So on balance, happy to be back home.

postscript: I forgot to report that I tripped over the edge of the plastic mat underneath my desk chair and crashed down onto the corner of a lidless plastic storage bin that shattered on impact. Now I have 2 cuts on my face, a sore eye bone and a throbbing headache. Plus I got poked in the boob/pit. This episode throws off the balance and the kvetch side dominates.

postscript 2: BUT I won an  eBay auction for a delightful vintage Erhman needlepoint kit in an Ikat pattern. Thus balance is restored.

I’m A Little Bit Cranky Today. Act Surprised.

take that, ava

My Name Is Sue! How Do You Do? Now You’re Gonna Die!

The One Where Suzette Pays $25 For A Single Day Lily  … and then wakes up to find that her husband has helpfully pulled a weed except no actual weeds got pulled in fact nothing else at all got pulled only the  single $25 day lily. He’s done this before and every time I have escalated the intensity of the shit fit I throw to be sure he understands that he must not do it ever again. Last summer, when he did this to a 5 foot tall sun flowerish perennial covered with flower buds about to open, it was a mighty scene let me tell you. I though it made a lasting impression on him, but me and Bela Lugosi are here to tell you that apparently, it did not. I went out to that area early this morning to pull some actual weeds in preparation for the lavender I was planning to put in today. I saw a hole where the centerpiece of my new bed used to be. This bed is 98% plain dirt and this plant was sticking up, bright green growth about 4″ tall, near the driveway border. I should have known better, but I sent him on a mission that put him in near proximity of the bed. I asked him to measure it so that I could plot out my plantings on graph paper before I went out to buy what I needed. Like sending an alcoholic into a bar. He could not resist. He did however manage to resist the few scant weeds in that bed and also a common wild day lily coming up 12″ away from the Bela Lugosi. It’s like he’s got a detector for which green growing thing would I miss the most if it was gone. And you know, when I saw the hole, I had a feeling he was responsible so I walked over to check my garbage can to see if it was in there. But it wasn’t and also the neighbor’s trash can was tipped over so I thought okay maybe it was a raccoon. So I came in the house and I couldn’t sit down so I went back out with the measuring tape to see for myself and there it was on the driveway, next to almost under a stack of mulch he brought home yesterday. The leaves were pulled off of the tuber so it must have given him a fight, but still he persisted until he got it out. Well, what’s done is done. Can’t change the past. Here’s my recovery plan:

• replant the tuber and hope for the best
• remain calm, maybe take a relaxing bath
• wait until he gets out of bed
• grab an axe and bash his brains out

 UPDATE:  He got up. We had a discussion.He is not dead. I insisted that he take an oath that this will never happen again, but frankly I know that must live out the rest of my days dreading that it will. Over and over again. Anyway, here’s what I have planned for that little bed. p.s. I just ordered two new Bela Lugosi’s. Take that, Sami.

plant legend in size order from tallest to shortest

Breaking News

The new front door is installed and I can’t tell if I hate it or not because all I can see when I look at it is that the hinges and doorknob are on the wrong sides.

                    More news as it develops …

UPDATE: Well, here it is. Click the picture to see the full glory of it all.

l. wrong from the inside – r. wrong from the outside

How do you like it?

You can’t tell, right? Because (a.) the hinges are on the wrong side and (b.) when it became obvious that this door couldn’t stay, the workers made it sturdy and sound and then left without any kind of trim work or installation of the new hardware. And that includes the fancy-schmancy new door surround which will eventually reside over the ghost silhouette of the old door surround.

So this is how it’s going to stay for the next 7 weeks until the replacement comes.

Question: why can I not have one single day in my life that is free from aggravation?

Follow-up question: is it me?