my life in 2014 – Cripes Suzette

Not to brag, but I just had the best salad in the history of salads. I should just go to bed now and call it a year. Goodbye 2014 – its not going to get any better than this!

You know it suddenly occurs to me that at about the same time that I decided to go Mod/Veg, I also stopped wearing nail polish. It’s like I’m going natural or something without making a purposeful decision about it. I’ve already been doing the daily ingestion of apple cider vinegar for health purposes.

AND I’m using Neem oil on my lemon tree, which is like natural or organic or something. And I use Marcal toilet tissue which is made from 100% recycled paper. Oh My Gawd. I don’t even know myself.

Listen, I think I’m still okay. I’m still enhancing my hair color and I have a closet full of polyester “fur” coats: a brown shearling, a full length black mink ( a “meenk”, I guess), a snow leopard car coat which I bought to match the interior of my car, a faux possum and I must include a jacket described as a “grooved berber fleece” but does in truth more resemble a light blue bath mat than anything else. The fake fur department is one area I wouldn’t mind going with the natural thing.

Even so, if i start making my own cleaning products and searching for vegetarian dog food, come and get me. Otherwise, happy new year.

Question from the comments: “Going on a fortnight now. How many assburns did you take?”

Answer: “Not nearly enough!”

From Our Department of Too Much Free Time: Please know that I have no bleeding or clotting issues. It’s just something that I think about a lot. I used to stop at least once a day to listen to my own heartbeat so I could tell if I was going to have a heart attack or not. So far so good. Recently, I’ve transferred that health focus to my blood vessels and now I stop to evaluate if they are about to burst or clog up.

Other than that, I have been very busy being cranky. I spent a year in Denver last week where it was high 90s every day, interrupted by spectacular lightning displays and serious but brief downpours. I do not care to relive that week here – and believe me, you don’t want me to. Many hours were spent debating if the final word selection should be “experince” or “expertise” – but I will tell you about the plane trip back to NJ:

#1. My flight was one of those where they use some seats for crew going to their next departure or connecting location. There were at least a dozen United people on this flight. I know how many there were because when I got to the gate, they were all sitting in the handicapped seats near the jetway door. And they did not move when they saw me and subsequently 3 other gimps headed towards them. And they all had feedbags from various airport food places and they stared at all passersby and gimps who were looking for a seat while they chewed their cuds.

#2. I had a good aisle seat and the seat next to me was occupied by a <20 y/o guy who carted on multiple back packs, game systems, food and beverage items and placed them on the floor between his feet. Then he promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep for the whole flight. Somewhere along the line, he slumped against me. I didn’t mind that so much but every now and then he would start twitching – more like seizing – and then wildly scratch his scalp before going inert again. I was worried that head lice were going to jump onto my brand new Land’s End Supima Cardigan. Or I would have been worried if I didn’t have $17.98 worth of gin in front of me. Fun Fact: $17.98 worth of gin = (2) 2 oz. bottles on an airplane.

#3. The stew from First Class made regular trips back into the steerage cabin to give things like full unopened bottles of water and warm cookies to her pals among the crew members seated there. The crew was scattered all though the plane so it was obvious to all paying fliers what was going on. No pretense was made nor effort to be circumspect about it. Just brazen insider advantage. Check your privilege, United crew with connections to the good stuff! Or at least make some small effort to hide it.

I have other complaints hardly worth mentioning okay I will mention them the TV controller in my seat was broken and I was in the mood to watch trash tv while sipping on $17.98 worth of gin and also there was an entire troop or whatever you call it of Eagle Scouts on the plane who were the very opposite of helpful to mature business women with bad knees.

The end of the evening was remarkable in that I am still alive. My cab driver was a young guy who was in a rush to meet his friend “before the store closed” so the trip down the parkway was done at 85 mph for the most part with bursts up to 95. One minute I was standing at the baggage carousel in Terminal C and 20 minutes later, I was at my own front door. The trip usually takes 35-40 minutes. I had to ask him to slow down, which he kindly did – to about 78. The most exciting part was when he scared himself as we flew over bumpy pavement patches and he confided in me that he thought the tires were going to blow and that’s why he switched lanes back there and if they did blow it wouldn’t have been his fault it would have been the fault of the cab company who gave him a van with tires that could blow.

Anyway, I’m back home working like a dog on a soft chair in an air conditioned room. I also went to a dinner dance on Saturday night where I limped across the dance floor once or twice, made my husband leave early against his will and then grabbed an extra party favor on my way out the door.