Bingo

barf alertAs soon as we saw Angry Obama™ come stomping out to the podium last night, I knew we were in for a good show. He did not disappoint! Maybe it’s been so long since I actually looked at him and left the sound on whenever he shows up on the news, but I forgot about those distinct characteristics that make him so watchable. Just a few of the things that were highlights for me:

  • Angry stomping + pigeon toes = hi-larious!
  • He telegraphs his resolve my making a face that looks like he’s holding back barf
  • Machine-gun style delivery that implies he took time out from his busy presidentin’ to speak to the nation but he’s got to get back right away!
  • What’s up with the excessive shininess of his ears? That was a waxy distraction!
  • Late to the party by a few days. People could make money setting up pools predicting how long he can avoid an issue of national interest.
  • Late to his own party by a few minutes. This gave the cable guys plenty of time to set up the issue which made the actual performance look even more hollow.
  • The “Man of Action” announced the firing of somebody who already had resignation papers submitted. I gotta give it to him – this was clever.
  • Setting up all of Congress to take the hit from astonished America when only mild wrist slapping occurs, to be followed by the creation of  onerous regulation. At least he didn’t call out Bush this time. (momentary lapse)

Here’s an idea: how about applying the existing laws to this case instead of threatening new ones? Could it be that he is unaware of what the applicable laws are? Or was the whole gun control thing so successful in promising new restrictive laws without pointing out that zero tolerance laws already exist? Key words: Chicago, gun violence, shot down in Hyde Park.

It was all over too soon. Sadly, there’s also a list of things that did not happen but would have enhanced this performance for me. Maybe we’ll get lucky next time  and see one or two of the following:

  • a fly landing on his face.
  • pigeon-toe entanglement on the way out
  • tie-in to free birth control
  • 29 black kids and 1 wan-looking  white kid standing behind him in in cheap t-shirts whipped up 30 minutes earlier.
  • insertion of iconic buzzphrase “punished with an audit”
  • mention of the Show Ponies as victim-prototypes. Let me be clear – not actual victims, just mute  generational representatives of some kind of victimization.
  • production of a single  Iron Eyes Cody-type tear
  • appointment of a special prosecutor

He’s got another shot at it today when he appears at a WH press conference. I should make up some bingo cards.

Suzette, R.D.

NEW DEVELOPMENT OF AN IRONIC NATURE! - Wouldn’t you know that today would be the day that Food Network magazine chose to email me with an important notice. Click here to view actual email. I guess they don’t like it when someone pulls bullshit on them. They have the good grace to apologize for inconvenience. Where is the apology for inflicting bullshit, Liberta?

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Like Magnum, P.I. Except I’m not a P.I. I’m an R.D. – a recipe detective. Wait until you hear this bullshit.

IHTCB

Yesterday, we pulled out the I Hate To Cook Book and my daughter made some Hellzapoppin’ Cheese Rice, a recipe I heartily endorse. She had a bunch of cooked rice left over (God bless and watch over our Oster rice cooker) so I thought it would be a good idea to  make some more H.C.R. for tonight.

So I’m sitting at the table, waiting for my laundry to run out the pre-treatment clock and I’m casually turning the pages of the IHTCB until I come across the recipe I’m looking for. On the preceding page is a lovely little thing called Cotton Pickin’ Jam Tarts. It’s a crust made of three fattening ingredients, plus jam and now that our arteries are more than halfway clogged from the cheese rice, why not? So I read the whole recipe and it’s so simple that I know it  just by skimming through it one time. I’m thinking that even though this is a recipe from 1960 written for people who aren’t cooks and who want it as easy as possible and it’s made mostly of cream cheese and butter, anyone nowadays couldn’t help but be taken with this.

That’s not the bullshit part. The bullshit part is coming up.

Flash forward to early evening. My grueling day full of conference calls are over, and even though its dreary and drizzly outside, I need fresh air so I ask my daughter to join me on the deck and for entertainment, we peruse the latest copy of Food Network Magazine. She’s already been though this edition so I ask her to tell me what’s good inside. She reads off a title – “Melissa D’Arabian’s PETITE ORANGE AND RASPBERRY POCHETTES” and shows me  the photo of a plate full of jam tarts. I begin saying I found a fascinating recipe for jam tarts with a very rich dough in the IHTC B and she says “Oh, is it made from butter, cream cheese and flour?”

is this or is this not bullshit?

Pochettes, my ass. I am quietly outraged. Food Network magazine  printed up Peg’s recipe – courtesy of Melissa D’Arabian -  51 years after the fact. Oh, they doubled the amounts and did a head fake by saying make dough balls and freeze them to firm up instead of Peg’s advice to freeze the dough to firm it and then make dough balls but IT IS THE SAME RECIPE which is so, so bullshit.

AND to top it all off, Melissa D’Arabian was the winner of last year’s Next Food Network Stars, an elimination competition program where the winner’s prize is a Food Network show of their own. Melissa won, in part  and by her own admission, by bullshitting the judges with a recipe from the I Hate To Cook Book. Look at her brazen bullshit quote over the photo:

“These little pastry cookies are easy and inexpensive. I used them to wow the judges on The Next Food Network Star last year!”

Have you ever SEEN such bullshit? I’m sure you remember my little skirmish with the J@y Qf C@@king lawyers – where are the IHTCB  lawyers on this? Because this is bullshit if I ever saw it. Purposeful bullshit.

Conclusion: Peg Bracken rules. Food Network drools.

Rest easy, America.  Suzette, R.D. is on the lookout for recipe bullshit on your behalf.