As soon as we saw Angry Obama™ come stomping out to the podium last night, I knew we were in for a good show. He did not disappoint! Maybe it’s been so long since I actually looked at him and left the sound on whenever he shows up on the news, but I forgot about those distinct characteristics that make him so watchable. Just a few of the things that were highlights for me:
- Angry stomping + pigeon toes = hi-larious!
- He telegraphs his resolve my making a face that looks like he’s holding back barf
- Machine-gun style delivery that implies he took time out from his busy presidentin’ to speak to the nation but he’s got to get back right away!
- What’s up with the excessive shininess of his ears? That was a waxy distraction!
- Late to the party by a few days. People could make money setting up pools predicting how long he can avoid an issue of national interest.
- Late to his own party by a few minutes. This gave the cable guys plenty of time to set up the issue which made the actual performance look even more hollow.
- The “Man of Action” announced the firing of somebody who already had resignation papers submitted. I gotta give it to him – this was clever.
- Setting up all of Congress to take the hit from astonished America when only mild wrist slapping occurs, to be followed by the creation of onerous regulation. At least he didn’t call out Bush this time. (momentary lapse)
Here’s an idea: how about applying the existing laws to this case instead of threatening new ones? Could it be that he is unaware of what the applicable laws are? Or was the whole gun control thing so successful in promising new restrictive laws without pointing out that zero tolerance laws already exist? Key words: Chicago, gun violence, shot down in Hyde Park.
It was all over too soon. Sadly, there’s also a list of things that did not happen but would have enhanced this performance for me. Maybe we’ll get lucky next time and see one or two of the following:
- a fly landing on his face.
- pigeon-toe entanglement on the way out
- tie-in to free birth control
- 29 black kids and 1 wan-looking white kid standing behind him in in cheap t-shirts whipped up 30 minutes earlier.
- insertion of iconic buzzphrase “punished with an audit”
- mention of the Show Ponies as victim-prototypes. Let me be clear – not actual victims, just mute generational representatives of some kind of victimization.
- production of a single Iron Eyes Cody-type tear
- appointment of a special prosecutor
He’s got another shot at it today when he appears at a WH press conference. I should make up some bingo cards.