NEW DEVELOPMENT OF AN IRONIC NATURE! – Wouldn’t you know that today would be the day that Food Network magazine chose to email me with an important notice. Click here to view actual email. I guess they don’t like it when someone pulls bullshit on them. They have the good grace to apologize for inconvenience. Where is the apology for inflicting bullshit, Liberta?
Like Magnum, P.I. Except I’m not a P.I. I’m an R.D. – a recipe detective. Wait until you hear this bullshit.
Yesterday, we pulled out the I Hate To Cook Book and my daughter made some Hellzapoppin’ Cheese Rice, a recipe I heartily endorse. She had a bunch of cooked rice left over (God bless and watch over our Oster rice cooker) so I thought it would be a good idea to make some more H.C.R. for tonight.
So I’m sitting at the table, waiting for my laundry to run out the pre-treatment clock and I’m casually turning the pages of the IHTCB until I come across the recipe I’m looking for. On the preceding page is a lovely little thing called Cotton Pickin’ Jam Tarts. It’s a crust made of three fattening ingredients, plus jam and now that our arteries are more than halfway clogged from the cheese rice, why not? So I read the whole recipe and it’s so simple that I know it just by skimming through it one time. I’m thinking that even though this is a recipe from 1960 written for people who aren’t cooks and who want it as easy as possible and it’s made mostly of cream cheese and butter, anyone nowadays couldn’t help but be taken with this.
That’s not the bullshit part. The bullshit part is coming up.
Flash forward to early evening. My grueling day full of conference calls are over, and even though its dreary and drizzly outside, I need fresh air so I ask my daughter to join me on the deck and for entertainment, we peruse the latest copy of Food Network Magazine. She’s already been though this edition so I ask her to tell me what’s good inside. She reads off a title – “Melissa D’Arabian’s PETITE ORANGE AND RASPBERRY POCHETTES” and shows me the photo of a plate full of jam tarts. I begin saying I found a fascinating recipe for jam tarts with a very rich dough in the IHTC B and she says “Oh, is it made from butter, cream cheese and flour?”
Pochettes, my ass. I am quietly outraged. Food Network magazine printed up Peg’s recipe – courtesy of Melissa D’Arabian – 51 years after the fact. Oh, they doubled the amounts and did a head fake by saying make dough balls and freeze them to firm up instead of Peg’s advice to freeze the dough to firm it and then make dough balls but IT IS THE SAME RECIPE which is so, so bullshit.
AND to top it all off, Melissa D’Arabian was the winner of last year’s Next Food Network Stars, an elimination competition program where the winner’s prize is a Food Network show of their own. Melissa won, in part and by her own admission, by bullshitting the judges with a recipe from the I Hate To Cook Book. Look at her brazen bullshit quote over the photo:
Have you ever SEEN such bullshit? I’m sure you remember my little skirmish with the J@y Qf C@@king lawyers – where are the IHTCB lawyers on this? Because this is bullshit if I ever saw it. Purposeful bullshit.
Conclusion: Peg Bracken rules. Food Network drools.
Rest easy, America. Suzette, R.D. is on the lookout for recipe bullshit on your behalf.