It’s Out There

La Beauté, am I not right?

One of the downsides of being a fair-skinned blonde is that you can’t really see your own body hair. I’m referring to lip hair/chin hair.  No that’s not my problem – it’s turkey neck hair. Or not really turkey neck, but fat where a turkey neck would be.  Whatever you call that thing. This:

This is not a picture of me. My turkey fat neck looks much worse. And it might have a hair growing out of it.

Are you still with me? Are you getting the vision of loveliness that I am?

Anyway, do I have any neck hair? I don’t know! Maybe. Probably. Every now and then I run my fingers across the area and I don’t feel any but then once in a blue moon if the light is right, I catch a glimpse of one wild hair sprouting out. Sometimes it’s even curled up.  Maybe that’s why I can’t feel any hair there – they retract themselves when they sense that they are in danger of being plucked.

I used to carry a magnifying mirror and tweezers around in my car because that is the best neck hair hunting light if you hit it at the right time of day and with the right slant of the sun. But I gave up because I was only successful one time in locating a hair.  I’d go get waxed but I’m worried about appearing to have the beauty salon version of Munchhausen’s Syndrome – waxing an area that doesn’t need waxing. I’d appropriate my husbands shaving cream and razor and take care of things that way but can you even shave a turkey fat neck? It’s kind of movable – it would be more like pushing the skin around with the razor instead of shaving it.

 What if I’m loaded with multiple neck hairs some of which are curly that are invisible to me but highly visible to the person sitting next to me? They would very likely think What kind of animal can’t even bother to perform the simple task of shaving her multiple neck hairs! They’re so long they curled up on themselves! 

This is a real problem for me.

In other news, before I moved to Florida I used to call it FLOW-rah-dah but now that I’m here I say FLAHR-ih-duh. It wasn’t a conscious decision to do that – it came naturally. But now that I think about it, it does sound more floral to me.  And that suits me because I am really very much like a flahr. With invisible neck hair.