To Quote Patty Smyth “Goodbye To You”

Some people are Early Adopters; I’m more of a Late Abandoner. You’re looking at proof of that right here – blogging went out of fashion years ago and yet I cling to it as my main platform. but this is not about the internet or about social media. This is about Bravo TV.

Bravo TV certainly never was designed for mass appeal but I did like the pop-culturey trashiness and I watched a lot of it. Wedding-gowned Bethenny Frankel peeing in a campaign bucket at the Four Seasons? Yes. 40 year old Persians getting shit faced as if they were 15 year olds left alone with their parents’ liquor cabinet for the first time. I was right there. And the pinnacle of Trash TV mountain – The Real Housewives of New Jersey I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

But I dropped one show after another until only RHoNJ was left and then Bravo screwed that up, too. With few exceptions, the celebrities featured on Bravo shows are below normal intelligence level but the crew they have now are the dumbest of the dumb*. And they get that title only because Teresa Giudice is on her way to “college”.

*Too bad because this season’s new housewives are from my neck of the woods [Central NJ readers will immediately get that joke] and maybe the series would have shown some of them caught in pumpkin picking traffic along Rt 34.

And this is what I want to say because the rest of the internet is not saying it. Teresa seemed to believe that she would be spared prison time because she is caretaker to her 4 daughters. In the world of feels>facts that we live in today, the internet – at least commenters and tweeters  – agreed with her. But this is what I want to say: The prisons are full of mothers.

In an act of brazen self-promotion – and I’m not sure who is worse here Bravo TV/Andy Cohen or Teresa and Joe Giudice, the two convicts showed up for a post-sentencing interview on Watch What Happens Live. Andy asked direct questions and T&G gave answers that consisted mostly of “I don’t know” and “whatever”. But here’s the thing I found most striking of all: Teresa was dressed like a nun!

Step aside Hillary Clinton. There’s a new wardrobe messenger in town. Check it out:

• flattened hair
• minimal jewelry
• no glittery eye shadow,
• no garish lip or nail color
• no cleavage
• no ruffles/frills
• no spray tan

and in the most ironic example of too little too late:

• she was wearing hosiery.

Hosiery! To improve her image and make her more acceptable to the main stream of American society, World Famous Trash Icon and Busy Mom ^{(patent pending)} Teresa Giudice is telegraphing that she is a modest, decent woman by means of pantyhose. World Famous Fashion Icons and Busy Moms™  , take note.

I can’t watch Bravo TV anymore not even as post-work decompression device or as simple background noise. In summary, goodbye BravoTV you trashmonger, goodbye Teresa you convicted felon and with any luck at all, goodbye MOO and your shiny bare legs.

…………………………………………………………….

You can – and you should – watch the Bravo interview. If you missed the 52 times they broadcast it since the original airing, you can find it anywhere on line. But the best analysis of what turns out to be part 1 of this interview can be found here:

7 Nonsensical Things Teresa And Joe Giudice Said On ‘WWHL’

That recap is done in exactly the spirit necessary to view anything at all on BravoTV.

And The Winner Is …

I was really hoping to discuss gin but w/e the people have spoken.

The reason I don’t blog about World Famous Fashion Icon And Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama anymore is because … well, there are actually three reasons:

1. We are no longer subjected to the daily media fest declaring her to be beautiful and stylish and so I no longer feel the need to correct the false narrative.
2. More and more people are starting to realize on their own that she’s not exactly beautiful inside or out.

…but the main reason I don’t blog about her anymore is …

3.  She is so predictable that she’s actually boring.

At this point, I don’t think there’s a soul in the world who doesn’t expect her to show up 90% of the time dressed like an oversized clown and dressed for the other 10%  in fabulous and expensive couture. And there’s no doubt at all who’s will predominated for which outfit selection:  MOO herself or or her handlers.

Is there anyone who is surprised that her choice if she could be anyone else in the world is the overpainted underdressed overtressed  product of lifelong focused marketing efforts that panders to the lowest common denominator. I can totally imagine MOO lost in contemplative reverie, wishing that she had a sister that would pummel old Barry in a private elevator.

And yes she is going to eat all the grease while preaching the opposite, she is going to vacation in luxury settings for extended periods on the tax payer’s dime; she is going to look bored or irritated at official photo-ops. It’s all her standard behavior. It might be newsworthy if she made extemporaneous remarks that weren’t filled with slang, grammatical errors or snide swipes at her husband. But, if history is any indicator, that’s not going to happen. I do notice that she’s not constantly lip-licking anymore so they must have changed her meds and that is only mildly interesting to me.

Nope. She is an awful specimen as First Ladies go. You want to occupy yourself with a fascinating First Lady? Here your most fascinating First Lady: Jacqueline Kennedy. And her lover Rudolph Nureyev! (note: “Bobby Kennedy and Rudi kissing each other passionately in a booth”. The mind boggles!)

Old Jackie was no shy flower. While America as a whole considered her to be the nation’s symbolic Madonna, she was hiding away in her White House bedroom to smoke cigarettes , drink vodka and produce piles of correspondence to her friends complaining that she didn’t want to see ” fat little women hopping around in the same dresses” as hers.

If we must talk about First Ladies who are products of main stream media fantasy and entirely different in reality, the let’s talk about Jackie. At least she had style. For real, not trumped up adoration for questionable wardrobe choices. Despite Jackie’s wishes to be unique, every female age 12 and up no matter their race or creed swarmed the streets of America wearing a pillbox hat as soon as they possibly could. And when Jackie showed up for Mass in a lace mantilla, that was the beginning of the end for the American millinery business. I have yet to see in any airport or major gathering a single female sporting a boob belt. There was, I will admit,  a brief fascination with big 3-D fabric flowers on cardigans, but that ended quickly once the ladies realized that it looked like shit for the birds.

This is how we were then:

My guess is two double vodkas went down PDQ after this.

This is how we are now: 

My guess is it took two vodka martinis went down before this. And then some champagne after, with a little bit of lobster to snack on.

 

 

I Tried To Deny My Gift

Ok, look. I’ve been a little depressed about the whole Hillary situation.

Why is she acting so dumb and ruining her own chances to be a presidential candidate in the next go-round? It’s almost like it’s purposeful and she really doesn’t want to do it. Or that she knows she is unfit* and does not want her lack to get onto the historic record of her public career? I was really looking forward to getting back into analysis of the political messages contained in her wardrobe as she moved herself back into he national spotlight. But the way things were going – the stupid dead broke comment, the bad reviews of the latest book, the connecting the dots of her performance as SoS and the resulting disaster in the Mideast -it just looked like none of us were going to have the pleasure of having her as the candidate.

It was too sad to bear. Never mind the subtle-to-wicked progression of calculated swipes at the Obmamas – we were also to be denied Grandma Hillary trotting out Chelsea’s offspring. No play dates -yea, no betrothal! – with her grandchild and her godchild, no clever references to her status as loyal but  publicly wronged wife, no ChelseaCare which would be some rehashed thing related to maternal health and would wipe the goddam Obama right out of ObamaCare. What a world that would have been.

And then …. just as I was losing my last hope … she comes along and does this:

BOOM bah BOOM bah BOOM bah BOOM bah BOOM

Here she is dressed in a full length leather coat , coincidentally the color of a tank, IN AUGUST as she practically plows forward. Look at the strained cords of her instep and tell me that’s not a firm purposeful stride meant to strike fear into the hearts of those one the sidelines and to propel her forward towards an endpoint of her own choosing. Hillary, you magnificent bastard. Even with your brain damage, all the tanks in Patton’s army put together were  not as fearsome as you are now.

She is the master of keeping people off balance. I can see now that her present strategy is “a little bit of this/a little bit of that”. In the same week that she criticized Obama for his Mideast mess – a mess that so obviously reveals the heavy hand of Hillary herself stirring up the couscous but let’s not mention that – she gets all dolled up and goes out to strut her stuff in this get up:

yoiky ploiky!

The internet is positively creaking under the load of the many remarks that have been made  about this event, mostly centering on that muu muu or the brazen flaunting of her cankles, and people – this is exactly why you need me to get back in the game. The guys might not have landed on it but every lady who sees this image zeros in on the main message and that is that she’s not going to run. Evidence? No bra.

Going out in public with no bra is a very clear indicator of a woman’s state of mind. You don’t see  nancy Pelosi running around without a bra. Running around, yes. Running around without a bra, no. And you’re not going to catch World Famous Fashion Icon And Busy Mom Michelle Obama™ as God made her (= no falsies), either.  But here Hillary is telling us that she doesn’t care and she  is giving up.

But is she really? Look at that frock again. She’s wearing owning! a frock which is assumed to be of Hawaiian origin (message: Aloha to your legacy, Barry, once I take over.)  Now look again. The neckline trim is not muumuu-ish at all. In fact, it’s quite galabeya- like (message: Not to worry, habibis. Jiddah’s got your back.)

Oh gawd, isn’t she wonderful? She’s running, she’s not running, she’s bullying, she’s reassuring – all in one modest garment. And she’s doing it without make up, coiffure or accessories!

* Assignment: Discuss in what ways Hillary Rodham Clinton is unfit for the Presidency of the United States.

The First Lady Vanishes

Shutdown Casualty? Michelle Obama Disappears

“First Lady Michelle Obama has almost completely disappeared from view since the shutdown began October 1, holding not a single public event and canceling scheduled appearances in California.  It’s not clear exactly why she’s not even materializing at the White House, though one likely explanation is that at least a portion of her staff has been furloughed.”  White House Dossier 10/15/2013

It’s very out of character for World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama to be far from the national spotlight, government shutdown be damned. Surely the chauffeurs are essential personnel. Maybe her WH make-up artist and hairdresser are furloughed. Hey! -maybe she IS out among us lining up at Shake Shack or whatever and we just don’t recognize her under the hastily thrown-on wighat and some oversized shades. If you were standing behind her without her customary pancake and clip-ins and observed one of those mismatched get-ups she prefers, would your first thought be first lady or would it be bag lady?

Needs a few more layers. Maybe a crocheted hat and a plastic rain poncho.

Let me suggest to you that we are not seeing her because she is otherwise occupied. But how? Here are some likely options for you to consider:

1. Fat farm.

2. Recovering from Asian Jaw Shaving.

3. Getting plucked.

4. Building new shelving for designer  shoe collection.

5. Buzzing the Million March vet with a government helicopter.

5. Helping Malaria and Sausage with their homework. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

6. Volunteering for groundbreaking string lift procedure for lazy eyelid.

7. Being Beyonce.

8. Turning Sunny and Splash into service dogs, if service means “Retrieve a fresh bottle of Stoli for Mama.”

9. Spending long-awaited girl time with Val Jar.

10. Hula hooping.

Admit it. 9 out of 10 of these suggestions are entirely possible.

Stop. The. Presses.

Read these tea leaves:

Feminine hairdo?  √ 

Serious but form flattering new suit? √ 

Cat that ate the canary face? √

FAT FARM ?  √

Oh please Lord – from Keith Koffler’s lips to Your ears. How I long for the nation’s daily spotlight to shine on Hillary again. How wonderful it would be to have such a skilled manipulator, such a masterful deliverer of the passive-aggressive cheap shot, such an innocently wide-eyed performer of the what do you mean what do I mean routine put herself before us for scrutiny once again.

Oh sure she’s never been off the stage but I have to conclude that the nitty gritty of her performance as Secretary of State wasn’t really something that she wanted on display. Hello Mid-Eastern fruit of her labors! I don’t even care – just give us something interesting to watch again. World Famous Fashion Icon and Busy Mom™ Michelle Obama was good for a few rounds of the same laugh for a while there but how long was it really before that got old? I mean one can only make the same little eye/wave that crotch around joke so many times.

No more – the trashy behavior grows dull, the inelegant and 8th grade level speeches begin to bore, the blatant greed and disregard for her prestigious position is becomes tarsome instead of shocking and as the most beautiful most tasteful most brilliant narrative is finally blessedly! petering out.  Now – give us Hillary. And give us along with her the hound dog husband and the chubby brother, the Planned Parenthood-pushing daughter with the Whack-A-Mole careers and the ski bum husband. Give us photo ops with Nancy Pelosi visibly choking back her disdain and please dear Lord give us the pantsuits.

Here’s some other public activity that we might be seeing in the very near future. Be on the lookout for:

• Hillary & Bill – possibly Chelsea & what is it Mike? Mark? – obtain a photogenic pet that quite suddenly becomes the subject of prolonged media attention.
• There’s a barely perceptible public put-down (wink wink) directed towards Huma’s husband at about the same time that Hillary inserts single motherhood due to cheatin’ snakes  into her daily rhetoric.
• A certain  Muslim/Jewish toddler with a cheatin’ snake for a father  inexplicably gets baptized.  Godmother: Hillary Rodham Clinton.
• Chelsea Clinton goes under the knife again to shave off the parts of her original face that grew back since her initial surgical makeover.

  

  June 2013