We Interrupt This Lack Of Blogging …

These are the drafts that I have recently started in my blogging folder:

• Red Crossed – a rant against the money-grubbing Red Cross and how they decide to use your donations. You’re not giving money for what you think you are. Try to guess how I feel about the Red Cross.
• Dear Barack – about the note that the Boston Bomber wrote to serve as his last will and testament as he was being surrounded in that boat. Key words: martyr, retribution for U.S. military action, “collateral damage”
• The Other Half – husbands who have predicable and annoying standard responses when you ask them any question. What do you mean ask them any question? What do you mean just what I said? What do you mean you can’t stand it anymore?
• The Brother-In-Laws of Joan Baez – this one I am really going to finish one day. It involves a seaside hippie nature wedding of one of her sisters where the wedding dress was a designer original.
• Uh Oh- Breaking news about a shortage of dialysis tubes after an Italian earthquake. Because who doesn’t want to keep informed about global dialysis news?

There are about 20 more but I am ignoring them all to devote my time to something much more important.

Opening today at the LBJ Library 

“The First Ladies Collection” of Madame Alexander Dolls.“

link via OurPesidents*

*I’m not linking them because today is the founding of the Red Cross in 1881 and they chose to go with a picture of a dead Kennedy instead of The Angel Of The Battlefield. Here – let me fix that:

2 clara barton dolls

I am greatly affected by a falling barometer

It’s 11:00 am and I’m laying on the couch watching treacle on the Hallmark Channel. I got out of bed this morning at 8, ate for three hours and now I’m going to take a map. I can’t think of anything else to do.

It Begins

good morning

Bingo

As soon as we saw Angry Obama™ come stomping out to the podium last night, I knew we were in for a good show. He did not disappoint! Maybe it’s been so long since I actually looked at him and left the sound on whenever he shows up on the news, but I forgot about those distinct characteristics that make him so watchable. Just a few of the things that were highlights for me:

• Angry stomping + pigeon toes = hi-larious!
• He telegraphs his resolve my making a face that looks like he’s holding back barf
• Machine-gun style delivery that implies he took time out from his busy presidentin’ to speak to the nation but he’s got to get back right away!
• What’s up with the excessive shininess of his ears? That was a waxy distraction!
• Late to the party by a few days. People could make money setting up pools predicting how long he can avoid an issue of national interest.
• Late to his own party by a few minutes. This gave the cable guys plenty of time to set up the issue which made the actual performance look even more hollow.
• The “Man of Action” announced the firing of somebody who already had resignation papers submitted. I gotta give it to him – this was clever.
• Setting up all of Congress to take the hit from astonished America when only mild wrist slapping occurs, to be followed by the creation of  onerous regulation. At least he didn’t call out Bush this time. (momentary lapse)

Here’s an idea: how about applying the existing laws to this case instead of threatening new ones? Could it be that he is unaware of what the applicable laws are? Or was the whole gun control thing so successful in promising new restrictive laws without pointing out that zero tolerance laws already exist? Key words: Chicago, gun violence, shot down in Hyde Park.

It was all over too soon. Sadly, there’s also a list of things that did not happen but would have enhanced this performance for me. Maybe we’ll get lucky next time  and see one or two of the following:

• a fly landing on his face.
• pigeon-toe entanglement on the way out
• tie-in to free birth control
• 29 black kids and 1 wan-looking  white kid standing behind him in in cheap t-shirts whipped up 30 minutes earlier.
• insertion of iconic buzzphrase ”punished with an audit”
• mention of the Show Ponies as victim-prototypes. Let me be clear – not actual victims, just mute  generational representatives of some kind of victimization.
• production of a single  Iron Eyes Cody-type tear
• appointment of a special prosecutor

He’s got another shot at it today when he appears at a WH press conference. I should make up some bingo cards.

The Topic: Mothers

NOW UPDATED!

MOTHER’S DAY UPDATE:

Brunch: Champagne and caviar.

Lupper: Grilled Salmon burgers

Dessert: Wierdo hippie ice cream

Later: presents galore

My children are the best, all 3 of them.

……………………………………..

The Scene: Mid morning out on the sunny deck. A chill breeze blows.

The Players: A man, a woman, a little dog

Man: How were those cookies I brought you before?

Woman: Good. Plain and tasty. I shared them.

Man: Shared them‽ With who?

Woman: [does not speak but side eyes the dog]

Man: [does not speak but conveys the impression that he is working up a wise crack]

Woman:[defensively]  I’ve got nobody left to mother! I even washed his ass today.

Man: This is when I miss my mother. If she was still here, she would have washed MY ass for ME.

Woman: I still would wash the asses of our kids if they would let me.

Man and Woman: [contemplative silence]

End scene.

Sleeping With The Windows Open

I’m not sleeping in the kitchen but that’s where one of the open widows is. Everything is going wrong. My lovely gas grill has rusty streaks on the lid my rose bushes are rambling wrecks the stupid creek is agonizingly visible and the deck is already impossibly hot without the shade of the trees. I have a mosquito bite on my toe which is The. Worst. I should have been on the road an hour ago but I’m not even showered yet. I’m a little depressed.

All I Want Is The Most Flattering Haircut for The Circumstance In Which I Find Myself*

I really wish Hollywood would get out of the hairdo business. It’s all about hair that looks like you didn’t comb it when you got out of the shower. And no variety whatsoever. So many attractive women walking around with witches hair, which they will come to regret when looking at photos 10 years from now.

Did you know that I have a ponytail now? Not willingly – it just sort of  happened due to long work days and constant weekend travel to see my nephew in another state*. No time for beauty.  Once things calmed down, my hair was almost long enough to make a French Twist which is a thing I have been thinking about. I’d like to wear it at least once in my life so maybe now is my time.

Also, I’ve been a little depressed. So not only is my hair much longer than usual, I haven’t had it highlighted since November. My natural dark blond shade is not that much different from the bright blond highlighted shade I always get, but and now I’m not positive about this but I think I’m seeing some gray hairs mixed in there. I don’t look at it too long – just a glimpse in mirrors that I pass. But sometimes the light catches a strand here and there and it makes me a bit uneasy.

Combine all this information with the fact that summer is almost here and I don’t want to be weighed down and sweaty because of a lot of hair and that means its time to give up the French Twist delusion and head for the salon. So I’m using the power of the internet to search for “Flattering Hairstyles For ____ ” Fill in the blank with round faces or mature women or whatever you want because it won’t make any difference at all what your search comes up with. I was following links around and landed on “Flattering Hairstyles for Sagging Jowls”. I swear to God – this is a big internet category for hairdos. And THIS is what came up:

!!!

Seriously? First of all, the only area that is not covered by hair here is where a sagging jowl would be. Second, if you want to demonstrate a good jowl haircut, do not use a model with a chiseled jaw line. Third, unless you are a porn star or maybe an actress in one of those fake women’s empowerment commercials that turns out to be an ad for low fat yogurt, where are you going with this?

You know what? The internet is full of shit. Check this out:

Don’t you think it would be more honest if the header said Best Glasses For Older Women Who Want to Look Like Larry “Bud” Melman ? Now ponder this helpful tip:

Linked text:  How to Tell If It’s Time for a Makeover

First sentence on linked page: If you haven’t changed your frames or glasses in the past few years, it’s time for a makeover.

OH THANK YOU. I WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN WITHOUT THIS HELPFUL TIP.

I can’t take it any more. I am going to smooth out my pony tail and plant the Sweet 100s I bought yesterday. Maybe some coiffurial inspiration will come to me by looking at plant life for a while.

not even for halloween

*reviving an old favorite The Circumstances In Which I Find Myself