Publicly Supported Theater, Episode 4: American Princess

Cast & Credits:

starring Hillary! Clinton as herself, Debbie Wasserman Schlitz as The Ghost of Flat Irons Past

 and extra special guest star  Poor Chelsea as Yesterday’s News

Adapted from the original screenplay by ABC News  in which Ivanka Trump displays  Ivanka Trump’s address at the Republican National Convention Thursday was supposed to fire up Republicans, but ended up also promoting issues that are near and dear to Democrats, including gender equality and equal pay. Based on an idea by The Guardian reporting of the universal acclaim for Ivanka’s  introduction of Donald J Trump at the 2016 Republican National Convention.

It’s Monday I Mean Thursday Again. How Does This Keep Happening?

From Our Department of The Same Oily Ducks Getting Washed with Dawn Detergent for 25 Years: If I was one of those 4 sisters who took the same photo every day for 40 years, I’d be screaming by now. Why are websites still talking about this as if there’s anyone left who doesn’t know about it? It was news in 2014. Give it a rest, people.

From Our Department of Flattened Caterpillars: What is going on with eyebrow trends these days? I recommend we all stop making fun of Sharpie eyebrows and turn our attention to these applied with-a-chisel excrescences.

From Our Department of Great Ideas but Not Enough Time For Execution:

1.  New feature called Hey Hurl! featuring the GOP sabateur Paul Ryan for his lukewarm at best “support/sabotage of the people’s choice, Donald Trump.
2.  Princess Chelsea  rocking the Violet Beauregard look as she carries her new baby out of the hospital. (no truth to the rumor that the child’s name will be Willie Wonka Clinton Foundation Mezvinsky)
   
3. From Our Department of 1968: Best remark ever made about the democrat’s sit in on the floor of the House:

@dansinker wins the internet everybody else go home

Halloween Is Coming The Goose Is Getting Fat

Until today, I would have put my money on Hitchbot being the most popular Halloween costume this year. But now I see there’s going to be a Bruce Jenner As Caitlin costume. Game changer! Anyway, as soon as the Hitchbot thing started to veer away from the popular narrative of Reviled Americans Killing Adorable Robots, the press seems to have lost interest in promoting the Hitchbot saga. I have unanswered questions:

• Did the corpse of Hitchbot make it back to Canada?
• What was Kevin Smith’s involvement in this thing?
• How did the headless Hitchbot get to Brooklyn to pose with him after it was announced that the headless but still adorable robot was on his way home via Rhode Island?
• Why was the offer from some Philadelphia tech geeks to repair the damage completely unacknowledged?
• Where are the copycat pranksters? Doesnt everyone have access to 5 gallon buckets, pool noodles and Playtex Living Gloves?

Anyway, a leopard print dress, some size 11 pumps, a bad wig and You Are Cait. Hardly interesting.

How easy would it be to concoct a Hillary Costume this year? One of those black and white striped prisoner suits, some chunky jewelry and a fistful of otherwise blank papers with only From The Desk of Hillary Rodham Clinton printed across the top. As soon as someone looks at you, pull out a cloth, wipe the papers and simultaneously pop your eyes and shrug your shoulders. 

[Ed. note: I am killing myself with the funny here.]

And what if you had a couple of girlfriends to accompany you?  A blond wig, some fake buck teeth and a set of Hulk hands – instant Chelsea. What would be a better costume for the Thelma to Hilary’s Louise – a pair of shades and a burrito bowl? Or would something that showcases her moslem brotherhood connection be better? Say, a burka and a designer bag?

  

I’m really looking forward to Halloween this year.

Chelsea’s Pre-Vacation Vacation

America’s Princess Chelsea Clinton is currently snorkeling around Sardinia with a pair of senior citizens to prepare for next week in the Hamptons with a different pair of senior citizens.

She might have a $10M apartment and she might be “the head” of a “charitable foundation” but she still looks like this:
 

man hands

 
By the way, I do not mock the fact that she has had a series of cosmetic surgeries -I’m only sorry that her old face keeps growing back. I am totally in favor of her getting more cosmetic surgeries. A lot more.

What? With a cloth or something?

So let’s see..

• Elizabeth Warren is not an American Indian.
• Shaun King is not black.
• Hillary Clinton is not a comedian.

When Johnny Carson told a joke that bombed, he did a shtick that he developed where he’d pause, make a facial expession of wide eyes and raised eyebrows to acknowledge that his audience wasn’t buying it and then wait it out. 

  
From now on, or until she flees to a country that won’t cooperate with US extradition, we’re only going to use pics of Hillary dressed in prison orange. I do think the selection of this particular hue is significant. It’s like a wardrobe SOS to her partners, patrons and protectors that the khara is about to hit the mirwaha and a little airplane trouble or a handful of disaffected youths lighting up a couple of Peugeots would be a most welcome diversion right about now. 

Huma gets yanked into the spotlight on Thursday. There’s too many MBs in power to let her take the fall for her boss. Carlos Danger already did his penance and has nothing much left to lose, so he’s not really on Hillarys hook anymore.  That leaves poor dumb Chelsea, or perhaps one of her questionable/convicted felon in-laws will step forward to save our gal Hilz. 

Oh please let a small but dedicated group waving Handiwipes and calling themselves Wipe Cloths Matter show up at Hillary’s next public appearance. THAT would be a good joke.