More Emails from Hillary

Oh that Hillary! I can see why she’d want to hide the Benghazi emails, but really so many of the “lost” communications are about mundane events. Why would she not produce them when originally asked for?

And so many of them, too! I see the major news outlets and political blogs are picking and choosing which they have decided to highlight so I’d like to make my contribution to that and publish some that I haven’t seen anywhere else around the net today.

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And that’s just few of these illuminating missives that give us a real picture of what life inside the world of HRC is really like. Who knows what revelations tomorrow might bring?

She’s Sexy and She’s Strong. 


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Three things about Hillary:

  1. It’s already 9:30 on the day after the Supremes imposed federal law on the states legalizing gay marriage. Why am I not seeing a photo of Hillary decked out in rainbow clothing? She’s late. And I don’t want to see any lazy gestures, either. No rainbow scarf flung over that baggy navy blue jacket, no rainbow sun hat while strolling on the beach. I will accept a rainbow sun hat paired with a matching tote, which would at least show some effort but that could be problematic. If Hillary carries her own tote, what would be left for Huma to do?
  2. Her campaign must be at the stage where it’s about spending down before she has to give it up.* Evidence? Her latest campaign video – Chelsea’s Mom. It’s pretty lame but it does have an aura of authenticity around it. Those musicians seem to be just the kind of douches that would vote for HRC, non-ironically. (*Please don’t give it up, Hilz. Bernie Sanders can’t hold a sartorial candle to you and his hairdo is always the same.)
  3. As her political light continues to wane, it’s up to us to provide our own campaign excitement. Remember the old game whereby you could render any fortune cookie reading hilarious by adding “in bed”? I suggest, what with way things are going with the hidden email thing and the Clinton Foundation For Money Laundering thing, that we add “in prison” to any headline, tag line or quote associated with her.

Chelsea’s Mom Has Got It Going On In Prison

Google Says Hillary Clinton Will Be The Next President In Prison

“It’s 3 am and a phone is ringing in prison.”

Bernie Sanders Is Overtaking Hillary In Prison

“What difference does it make in prison?”

Try It. You’ll like it. In prison.

What Am I A Clown?

Hillary’s latest campaign kick-off  yesterday was a bit of a bore. Her means of arrival was most disappointing – her armored Scooby van drove in over the bridge. That was it.No spraying water from the tugs. No cooling breeze from a helicopter descent. Not even the Rocky theme song blaring from speakers hidden in the trees to underscore her continual yapping about being “a fighter”.

And so I guess we’re going to have to focus on other aspects of of the event. namely, Hillary’s appearance. Now I have no quibble at all abut her pants suit. The color was good, the cut was flattering. Maybe the pants hems could have settled in a better place, but that is a minor issue. No the thing I loved most about her outfit was the visible Spanx line.

Hillary Roosevelt IslandDon’t know what Spanx actually are? They’re long leg power panties.  Doesn’t that seem exactly right for our gal Hill? Power Panties! Can’t you just imagine the scene when Hillary is pumping up for a public appearance and the ever-present Huma is helping out by keeping up a stream of motivational chatter Put on your POWER PANTIES woman and go fight for the common people or  the economy or whatever it is that your audience wants to hear today!

One battle that Hillary has already won is the right to wear garish and heavily applied make-up. Maquillage. One suspects that she is loyal to the make-up artist who did up the Clinton gals for poor little Chelsea’s wedding. Granted, blondes don’t look good in strong light so maybe its not that guy’s fault. (#adviceforhillary – Stick to dimly back alleys and the freindly lighting of the MSNBC studios.)

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sigh Unless Hillary steps it up and provide some excitement for us, it looks like we are going to have to work really hard to make our own fun for the duration of this campaign. She could have at least arranged for some faux sniper fire to dodge while running offstage. It worked when she staged that fake show-throwing incident – why couldn’t they spice up this event in a similar manner? Do I have to do all the thinking around here?

Note that NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio, that killer of Charlottes, was no where to be seen. Meemaw ain’t takin any chances.

This Is the Moment I’ve Waited For

In truth, it’s This Is The Moment I’ve Waited For Redux. Hillary Clinton is going to (re)kick off her presidential campaign tomorrow from Roosevelt Island aaand there’s going to be “airport-style security” for the event. Which I guess means that she will not be wearing shoes and a government employee will be groping her underwire.

I could spend time writing it up here but really, this picture is all you need to know:

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That’s right: hard to get to, can’t sit down, you’re on your own to ward off summer heat complications and you can’t even blast off an airhorn when she starts droning about being a champion for everyday Iranians. Oops I meant Americans..

No word on how Hillary is going to get on or off the tip of that little island without mingling with the little people, but my guess is this: she’s going to arrive by specially commissioned boat with a clever yet meaningful name (the Eleanor Rowsavelt?  the Jackie Row?) surrounded by an honor guard of tug boats shooting up streams of water like they do when a new ocean liner sails into NY Harbor for the first time. Imagine it: the crowd awaits. Tug boats slip up next to FDR Four Freedoms park unnoticed until they commence synchronized spraying. A luxury speedboat moves forward and emerges from the spray and there’s a dewy Hillary standing on the bow, just like Barbra Streisand when she was chasing after Nicky Arnstein.

IN FACT that would be a great campaign theme song for Hillary’s re-announcement – an in-your-face message to the media trying to rain on her inevitability parade. Oh man, I hope no one  forgets to order two dozen yellow roses for Hill to clutch as she makes her entrance.

This is a really great idea. Two boats the (the Tag A Long and the Oval Orifice) flanking but slightly behind America’s Mom – Chelsea on the right dressed up in yellow rubber like the Gorton Fisherman but handknit by Oscar de la Renta on his deathbed. BJ Clinton on the left wearing a raincoat of another kind. Carlos Danger alltogether without rubber. Huma signaling her brothers by semaphore flags that no one is watching the Statue of Liberty.

How would she get off? – I don’t know. Maybe she’ll slip quietly underground for an exclusive donor’s dinner in the maintenance bunker. Or maybe a sparkler-bedecked platform will lower her into the water – a la Esther Williams – where you should excuse the expression Navy Seals await to swiftly bring her back to the surface while the tug boats start up the spraying again to divert the eye.  And to think I started this post planning to speculate on why no one has ever seen Hillary’s toes. But then …

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In other news related to America’s royalty, it looks like irrelevant American Princess Caroline Kennedy has been recruited to carry water for Obama’s failed trade agreement:

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Honey – your dad, JFK, was also for sharing sex partners with his father and brother so sit down and shut up.

It’s Better To Sit

IMG_0102-1 First Dirty Harry gets fwapped by an exercise band and sustained injuries that looked like they might have been administered by a guy named Paulie Punches: broken rib, eyeball damages/eyeball loss, orbital bone injury, senate resignation. Now the Survey Monkey guy gets killed by a treadmill.

The two notable exercise deaths above got the attention of the nation. You know, I can’t help thinking that Hillary did the wrong thing when she ducked that shoe. Imagine the goodwill she could have gotten if she let the shoe strike her. Or if she took a bullet on that Tarmac in Bosnia! There must be some civilian equivalent of a Purple Heart for old ladies who make poor decisions. Something like the Red Hat Medal? She could have been a liberal martyr while M. LaVaughn “Baby Girl” Robinson was still sitting on her father’s lap.

And so it suddenly occurs to me that maybe this is why Hillary has been unavailable to the press and public ever since her road trip in the Scooby van. Her tour of common people’s fast food emproiums combined with sitting for days in a van with exersice at all must have put on a few unwanted pounds. Of course!  She must be suffering from an exercise injury! But what kind of weird, never before heard of circumstance could it be?

I suggest a few possibilities:

  • Suffering from a Thighs Wide Open situation due to overly enthusiastic encounters with a particularly resistant Thighmaster, rendering her completely immobile.
  • Back injury when her personal trainer advised her to pick up a couple of dumbbells. Unfortunately, the two dumbbells she picked were Anthony Weiner and Chelsea, far too heavy for even an ambitious senior citizen to carry around.
  • Misinterpreted “fitbit” as a calorie burning exercise during fits of rage and suffered an eye injury while evaluating which burned more calories – throwing a lamp or throwing an ashtray – when a shard of glass ricocheted off the wall.
  • Dehydration and exhaustion from overuse of a Nordic Track elliptical while imagining herself out-running sniper fire on a tarmac in Bosnia.
  • Soft tissue injury sustained when she fell on top of Huma during hot yoga.
  • Minor stroke while using Shake Weights, prompting mental image of Bill with White House interns.
  • Inguinal herniation developed during personally carrying of Georgie’s $50K donation all the way from ABC headquarters to the Clinton Foundation offices in Manhattan.

Look, all you skeptics out there – don’t think these things can’t happen just because no one has ever heard of them or even imagined them before. Or even if they don’t quite make sense.