I make jokes about being a Florida woman after owning real estate here for only 6 weeks but in truth I know I’m going to run out of earthly time before that actually happens. However, I’m beginning to recognize that there are signs letting me know that it might not take as long as I think.
For instance, I went over to the Walmart1 this evening to pick up a bath mat that I ordered online. While I was there, I thought that I might as well look around and see what else I needed. When I got to the check out, I reached into the cart and put the following items on the conveyor belt2:
- a rotisserie chicken
- a picture hanging kit
- a bath brush
- 6 lemons
- a bale of toilet paper
- 2 bottles of wine
- a memory foam dog bed
- a tub of pimento cheese
Also, I signed up for a subscription to Garden & Gun3.
This is the Christmas card I’m sending out this year solely for the purpose of annoying the snow people. You can’t tell from this mage but the text and some of the shells are glittery. So, double annoyance. That’s probably not very Southern of me, which is defined by its good manners in every setting, but what can I say? I can’t change my entire nature overnight.
I had a conversation about pie today and actually said PEE can instead of the obviously more correct peh KAHN. This is how I know I’m not myself anymore. What makes this remarkable is that it was with a person that I crashed into with my handicapped scooter in the Walmart. She apologized to me for getting crashed into and then our conversation evolved to pah. I truly enjoy this polite superficial banter but it did not stop me from cleansing myself*4 by purposely setting up a situation for me to club people over the head by using the word specious on my subsequent conference call. I am an imperfect person.
“1 Only an outsider would refer to this store as “Walmart” without the clarifying “the” in front of it.
2 This is really the home of one stop shopping. I hereby forswear any and all previous allegiance to K Mart and Target.
3 This magazine is everything. Why have I never heard of it before?
4 Or perhaps dirtying myself?5