First Dirty Harry gets fwapped by an exercise band and sustained injuries that looked like they might have been administered by a guy named Paulie Punches: broken rib, eyeball damages/eyeball loss, orbital bone injury, senate resignation. Now the Survey Monkey guy gets killed by a treadmill.
The two notable exercise deaths above got the attention of the nation. You know, I can’t help thinking that Hillary did the wrong thing when she ducked that shoe. Imagine the goodwill she could have gotten if she let the shoe strike her. Or if she took a bullet on that Tarmac in Bosnia! There must be some civilian equivalent of a Purple Heart for old ladies who make poor decisions. Something like the Red Hat Medal? She could have been a liberal martyr while M. LaVaughn “Baby Girl” Robinson was still sitting on her father’s lap.
And so it suddenly occurs to me that maybe this is why Hillary has been unavailable to the press and public ever since her road trip in the Scooby van. Her tour of common people’s fast food emproiums combined with sitting for days in a van with exersice at all must have put on a few unwanted pounds. Of course! She must be suffering from an exercise injury! But what kind of weird, never before heard of circumstance could it be?
I suggest a few possibilities:
- Suffering from a Thighs Wide Open situation due to overly enthusiastic encounters with a particularly resistant Thighmaster, rendering her completely immobile.
- Back injury when her personal trainer advised her to pick up a couple of dumbbells. Unfortunately, the two dumbbells she picked were Anthony Weiner and Chelsea, far too heavy for even an ambitious senior citizen to carry around.
- Misinterpreted “fitbit” as a calorie burning exercise during fits of rage and suffered an eye injury while evaluating which burned more calories – throwing a lamp or throwing an ashtray – when a shard of glass ricocheted off the wall.
- Dehydration and exhaustion from overuse of a Nordic Track elliptical while imagining herself out-running sniper fire on a tarmac in Bosnia.
- Soft tissue injury sustained when she fell on top of Huma during hot yoga.
- Minor stroke while using Shake Weights, prompting mental image of Bill with White House interns.
- Inguinal herniation developed during personally carrying of Georgie’s $50K donation all the way from ABC headquarters to the Clinton Foundation offices in Manhattan.
Look, all you skeptics out there – don’t think these things can’t happen just because no one has ever heard of them or even imagined them before. Or even if they don’t quite make sense.