At long last, the suspense is over and our gal Hillary has sort of announced her candidacy for the presidency. Apparently, she’s running on the Grandma platform.
In the past, whenever I blogged about Hillary, I usually decoded her policy messages to us based on her wardrobe choices. I do plan to carry on that tradition but I want to make sure that she sticks around long enough for me to do that. And so I will kick off my reinvigorated Hillary blogging by offering some advice:
The Announcement: I know your team tried to cover up the flubbed launch of the announcement by saying that you were trying to build suspense by keeping America on the edge of its seat awaiting word but honey, I have to tell you that you are taking a much bigger risk than you know by putting that out there. Here’s the thing: nobody is going to wait around indefinitely for a 67 year old woman to show up. It’s not like you’re some beautiful southern belle, all blonde and flirty. #adviceforhillary: You took a big chance there – don’t overplay it.
The Video: Please give me something to work with. A plain blue jacket and a plain red tank top? I can’t make much out of that. Unless it’s that you chose those colors to reinforce your dopey logo? The only interesting thing about your video was the moment when you adopted the JFK/ BJ Clinton move of making that weird fist gesture that indicates you want so badly to point but are far too well bred to do so.
We aren’t’ going to get much out of you if this drab frock fest continues. #adviceforhillary: Step it up, Hillz.
The Van: First, I would like someone to define “van” for me. Since no one has laid eyes on it yet, I’d like to know if it’s the kind of ordinary van that your regular schmo would be driving around, filled with passengers staring slack-jawed at a 10″ video screen hanging from the ceiling and about a cup and a half of Cheerios mashed into the carpeting or it is one of those big black power vans like Lizzie Grubman used to mow down 16 people because she was annoyed about a parking space in the Hamptons?
Secondly, NOW WE’RE TALKING, wardrobe-wise. I have got to say that this is one of my favorite HRC outfits of all times. And – lucky for us – it looks like its one of hers, too. Here she is in the first newsworthy moment on the campaign trail when her “van” stopped for gas in Pennsylvania and she met up with a random college student.
Now you may think that the over sized jacket is a bland and limp baggy mess but it’s not. It has hidden design value. This photo does not do it justice. Here she is earlier this year attempting to pull a tasty looking child into her oven:
Okay. That wasn’t such a clear photo so here it is displayed in its full glory. Brace yourselves:
“Jacket” is not enough of a word for this magnificent piece. I do hope we see more of it. I believe the message here is “Come Under My Big Tent.”, totally in keeping with HRC’s trial balloon for a campaign theme of inclusion and diversity. Time will tell if that’s the one that sticks. #adviceforhillary: Have this “jacket” copied in every color.It’s a show stopper!
The Incognito Burrito: So Hilary went to a fast food place and no one recognized her? I wonder if they recognized the ring of secret service men around her? I wonder if they recognized the person who recognized her and took a photo? I wonder if they recognized her uniform for visiting the common people’s restaurants? Don’t forget I was within spitting distance of her in a Chinese restaurant during the last go-round and the secret service guys were notable for their sunglasses indoors, their ear plugs and their formation between the little people and their charge. It is of interest to me that she was wearing the exact same thing then – a red jacket with a mandarin collar.
Love that Hillary’s handlers chose trendy Chipotle for her fast food stop to show not just her common touch but also her shared culinary taste with hipsters, millennials and Americans-In-Waiting.. Political messaging through food choices! I’m in favor. I do hope this is going to be permanent feature on her campaign trail. Let me know when she shows up at Black Brunch. #adviceforhillary: Next time you’re in a van driving halfway across the country, skip the beans.
Oh, Hillary. Inconsideration, lies and pretense all wrapped up in your own questionable style package. It’s good to have you back, girl.
* photo support from long time reader/comedian Schmed