My Name Is Sue! How Do You Do? Now You’re Gonna Die!

The One Where Suzette Pays $25 For A Single Day Lily  … and then wakes up to find that her husband has helpfully pulled a weed except no actual weeds got pulled in fact nothing else at all got pulled only the  single $25 day lily. bella-lugosiHe’s done this before and every time I have escalated the intensity of the shit fit I throw to be sure he understands that he must not do it ever again. Last summer, when he did this to a 5 foot tall sun flowerish perennial covered with flower buds about to open, it was a mighty scene let me tell you. I though it made a lasting impression on him, but me and Bela Lugosi are here to tell you that apparently, it did not. I went out to that area early this morning to pull some actual weeds in preparation for the lavender I was planning to put in today. I saw a hole where the centerpiece of my new bed used to be. This bed is 98% plain dirt and this plant was sticking up, bright green growth about 4″ tall, near the driveway border. I should have known better, but I sent him on a mission that put him in near proximity of the bed. I asked him to measure it so that I could plot out my plantings on graph paper before I went out to buy what I needed. Like sending an alcoholic into a bar. He could not resist. He did however manage to resist the few scant weeds in that bed and also a common wild day lily coming up 12″ away from the Bela Lugosi. It’s like he’s got a detector for which green growing thing would I miss the most if it was gone. And you know, when I saw the hole, I had a feeling he was responsible so I walked over to check my garbage can to see if it was in there. But it wasn’t and also the neighbor’s trash can was tipped over so I thought okay maybe it was a raccoon. So I came in the house and I couldn’t sit down so I went back out with the measuring tape to see for myself and there it was on the driveway, next to almost under a stack of mulch he brought home yesterday. The leaves were pulled off of the tuber so it must have given him a fight, but still he persisted until he got it out. Well, what’s done is done. Can’t change the past. Here’s my recovery plan:

  • replant the tuber and hope for the best
  • remain calm, maybe take a relaxing bath
  • wait until he gets out of bed
  • grab an axe and bash his brains out

 UPDATE:  He got up. We had a discussion.He is not dead. I insisted that he take an oath that this will never happen again, but frankly I know that must live out the rest of my days dreading that it will. Over and over again. Anyway, here’s what I have planned for that little bed. p.s. I just ordered two new Bela Lugosi’s. Take that, Sami.

plant legend in size order from tallest to shortest

10 thoughts on “My Name Is Sue! How Do You Do? Now You’re Gonna Die!”

  1. If I was guilty of such chronic behavior, the loss of the $25 would bring my Scot ancestors back to haunt what was left of me after all the neighbors came to watch my Dear Sweet Wife have at me until we rolled in the mud and the blood and the beer.

  2. He’s being all passive aggressive on you. You need to destroy something he values. Then do it again after you promise you won’t.

  3. Hope the Bela grows back with it’s two new friends 🙂 Yesterday, my husband’s 13 y.o. grandson was over to pick up branches and sticks. He also removed an established Concord grapevine that had grown 10 feet up from the ground to the deck and covered the railings 20 feet in two directions. WHYYYYYY! How could he not tell the difference from sticks on the ground to something planted? DUH, DUH, DUH! Then, spilled a full tumbler of coke and ice onto the lazy boy while waiting for his dad to pick him up.

  4. Thankfully my husband is so attached to his computer I don’t think he’s aware of the yard at all. 😉

    Your bed will be lovely… especially with 3 Belas!

  5. Good thing day lilies are tough. Maybe you need to put a tiny little fence around it. And a little sign that says NO in bright red letters.

  6. This reminds me of my horror when the 10 peony plants my 7 year old son and I planted in a row in the back were mowed down by my husband who thought they were weeds.

  7. I agree with Fudge. Had the same thing happen with a “Found” rare rose in my collection. Husband was smug all day. Let’s just say he couldn’t find his favorite Led Zepplin concert DVD for nearly a year.

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