Novena For Saint Teresa of Heinz-Kerry

Teresa, Queen Assumed into Nantucket Cottage Hospital,
I rejoice that after years of heroic martyrdom out of the limelight,
you have at last been taken to the throne of main stream media
to prepare you for sacrifice on the altar of distractions in light of international relations by His Holiness B Obama.

Our Lady of the Fat Bottom Red Pantsuits, pray for us
Our Lady of The Scrunched-Up Hollywoood Hairdos, pray for us
Our Lady of the Do Your Best To Hide Your Cosmetic Surgery Scars, pray for us
Our Lady of The Gin-Soaked Raisins, pray for us
Our Lady of The Hansome Republican Senator/Billionaire, pray for us
Queen of the Earth Day Rallies, pray for us
Queen of The Capitalist Ketchup Money, pray for us
Queen of Your Legal Name, pray for us
Queen of Your Office Name, pray for us
Queen of Your Pittsburgh Name. pray for us
Queen of $1.2 Billion. pray for us
Our Lady of Endowments and Philanthropies, pray for us
Our Lady of Impeccable And Entirely Coincidental Timing, pray for us
Our Lady of Diverting Attention Away From The Yacht Story, pray for us
Our Lady of Saving His Long Skinny Ass Again, pray for us
Our Lady of LowFo Voters, Pray for us
For thine is the media power and the gigolo glory of the Rosemont estate, forever and ever. Amen.

13 thoughts on “Novena For Saint Teresa of Heinz-Kerry”

  1. Amen…and pass the ketchup. (I prefer to spell it catsup, but some people, and spell check, object to the correct spelling.)

  2. Just about an hour ago, I sent an email to a friend, saying how convenient it is that Terezza goes to the hospital, creating a diversion from Johnny’s Yachting. And now you give me reason to believe it is true.

  3. I never encourage the profane use of the Novena except I must here because it is actually quite well done. I assume the smaller lines are for the chorus of self-flagellators seated toward the back of the church out of ear-shot.

    1. She’s probably laying there like Liberace’s last days – no wig, no makeup, no dentures. Where’s the National Enquirer photographer when you need him?

      1. I was sure the NE would have paid off an orderly by now for the “scoop”. It’s how they roll, which is more honest than the Obama control of the MSM 😉

        What do you suppose it is, these “seizure like symptoms” ? A stroke? A bad pitcher of martinis? I’m suspect because didn’t Hillary have “seizure like symtoms” when she “fell at home” conveniently around the time of Benghazi ?

  4. Seizure-like symptoms. Are we supposed to be reassured by this? I’ve always thought seizure-like things were not a great qualification for high-powered positions of responsibility.

  5. 24 hours later…no word on her condition? What, is it a hush-hush National Security thing now? Ohhh…USA Today sez she’s all better. Still no diagnosis. I’m goin with the bad pitcher of martinis.

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