Color Me Suspicious

Under normal circumstances I couldn’t care less about anything to do with Beyonce – except to hope that she someday converts to a non-stupid first name – but I couldn’t let this pass without comment. Regarding her demands for dressing room amenities: #1 *yawn* Is this news? No – we’ve been hearing about performers’ dressing room demands for decades. #2 Van Halen already explained that the band’s request for only brown M&Ms in their dressing room was merely a device to easily assess whether or not the performance contract was read in full detail.

So really, why is Beyonce’s rider a story? The one this I do find intriguing, however, is this:

Bey also demands plain off-white walls in her dressing rooms, with a new toilet seat at every event, and will only use red toilet paper.

Who among us has ever even seen red toilet paper and once seen would use it? Well, here it is:

hey that would be a good color for a stoop bench

I will give points for the amusing manufacturer’s description:  “Plain old white toilet paper can be such a ‘bummer’ if we so say so ourselves. That’s where Renova’s cheeky new toilet tissue comes in. It’s fanny-tastic, taking traditional 3-ply to a whole new level.” That’s almost perfect. If they threw in something about farting, then I would just let it go. But I cannot believe this part:

  • Renova Toilet Paper has been dermatologically and gynecologically tested1
  • It is a biodegradable, non-toxic, soothing tissue and does not bleed2 any color when wet.
  • Made of 100% biodegradable, virgin3 pulp that is chlorine-free and entirely recyclable. A fun, stylish gift for the hostess that has everything!

1. Gynecologically tested? On whose bits? Rabbit bits? Rat bits? Cat bits? Lady bits? For how long did the clinical trials go on? What were the results? What about post-market reactions? I am going to need more information here before I would let a thing like this anywhere near me.

2. Okay – was this really necessary? What was you sniggering at?

3. *sigh* This is growing wearisome. Was it not enough that I had to endure a 35-letter string of emails yesterday about naming a project group (primarily composed of women) “FISH”. Oh it was all done in in a way that could be defended as innocent and above-board – just like this virgin business –  but it didn’t feel like that at all. Of course, no one could openly point out the insulting slang reference because HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT and all but I am sick of men young men smarmy men and their delight with their own cleverness.

So. Anyway. Red toilet paper. Choke on it.

7 thoughts on “Color Me Suspicious”

  1. Someone ought to report her to Cheryl “One-Square” Crowe. They’re both batshit crazy on tissue issues.

  2. Actually, Van Halen wanted the brown M&Ms *removed* from the dish. You obviously did not fully read the performance contract.

    And here all along I thought Beyonce wiped her ass with hundred dollar bills…

  3. Kinky Friedman said that while visiting Kenny Rogers home he discovered the Mr. R had a jade toilet seat with a gold inlay pattern. When asked Mr. R said, “We never had one when I was growing up.”

    Mr. Friedman replied, “Oh hell Kenny, nobody did!”

    I have no idea why I just thought of that.

  4. Gross. I learn something new everyday. This is bizarre. How will she ever know if she has a GI bleed? Every day is a GI bleed for her, apparently. I would be alarmed every time I went to the loo.

    I have been in a really, really bad mood for weeks, and I am no longer in a hostile working environment with buffoons.

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