Soon They’ll Be Everywhere

hot-buns-product-248x300I know I’ve been scarce around here lately but I haven’t forgotten about you. In fact, I’ve been doing important background research on this particular eruption of pop culture. When you get to the end of this entry, you will be just as unsettled as I am to realize that they will be coming for you. If they haven’t gotten to you already. – S.

As a devotee of late night infomercials, I feel it is my duty to remark upon noteworthy AsSeenOnTV products. Today’s offering is Hot Buns, a Velcro-ized tube that you “simply roll, wrap and snap” to produce an enormous bun in your hair.

Now, I’m a big fan of hair buns. I’m from back in the day when nurses wore caps and I wore mine over a smooth and tidy nape bun that I achieved by means of a rubber band, a fine hair net and some bobby pins. So I’m actually quite pleased with the sudden burst of product placement that is going on now on my television.

First,let me tell you that I’m enamored with an ABCFamily show called Bunheads. I cannot help that I have an affinity for the adolescent dramedies on this network. I was a big, big fan of Huge too and am still outraged that they cancelled it after only one season. But I digress. Bunheads is quality television, people so of course I keep my eye out for what’s being broadcast there. I like to be fair – its the Age of Obama, after all – so I also make sure never to miss an episode of Mob Wives. I want to be the first to know if Renee is ever any less gross-looking of if Drita ever softens her signature skinned street rat look. (Spoiler: they all carry big handbags and none of them are any good.)

The Hot Buns on Bunheads went with only the visual because I guess “bun buns bunhead” is the silent dialogue that is supposed to run through the heads of every viewer but surprisingly, the big bun did not appear on a dancer but rather on a cold-hearted business woman (as interpreted by ABCFamily).

The cold-hearted business woman wants to put her name on the new amphitheater which she will be paying for 100%. That’s what makes her cold-hearted. The nice people who conceived the idea don’t have Dime One to contribute but THEY HAD THE IDEA .Life is full of problems.

On the same day that I saw the above Hot Bun on Bunheads, I saw a Hot Bun on an episode of Mob Wives. Two mob wives stopped their f-wording and macho behind-someone’s-back threats e to remark on how attractive and easy this hairdo is. This is the new mob wife this season, Love. (Laverne? LaVaughn?) She never actually made wife status but she does have the distinction of shooting several of her ex-fiances who happened to be mobsters. After this random promo for Hot Buns, I’m wondering if its a simple case of payola to get the product on the show or if the mob is involved in manufacture or distribution. After all, several of these mob wives set themselves up in the “high end cosmetic” business (and they need it too: pock marks, adult acne, sun damage, Botox-osis, surgical scars. These aren’t your high-class Jersey Housewives – these ladies are from Staten Island) and ti’s just a short hop from cosmetics to hair supply. So may -bee.


I am telling you – something’s up. It’s like when Obama declared war on guns and then all of a sudden all the major tv and radio networks had something bad to say about them. OMG DO YOU THINK OBAMA IS BEHIND THE HOT BUN MEDIA SATURATION MOVEMENT? I swear to God if Our Lady of the Clip-On Bangs shows up with one of these, then I’ll know for sure that all hope is lost. Now I’m going to deputize you all to report back to me if you see Hot Buns on any TV show, runway or news story on TV. Because i just know they’re out there.

UPDATE: A Hot Bun made a  guest appearance on Go On this week. Be afraid.

I can’t even remember the storyline because when I saw this scene, I just shut down completely.

9 thoughts on “Soon They’ll Be Everywhere”

  1. I am happy to report that I found this posting to be completely incomprehensible, and I mean that in a good way… for me. Never heard of these shows, never saw the infomercial. I am just too busy watching 10-year old British TV shows on Netflix.

    So there really are TV programs about Mafia Wives, Mafia Amish, Mafia Gypsies, Big Mafia Weddings?

    BTW, I have a diatribe just waiting to deliver about all those Discovery Channel shows with fat guys doing some dirty job out in the wilderness. Forewarned is forearmed.

    1. There is a limit to the number of ways to produce a tv show about the mating habits of the hippos or what happened during WWII, so they end up with shows about weird people doing weird things and have no shame. Junk collectors, overeaters, bad dressers, people who live in trailers, all of them on tv, just so we can say to ourselves…whew, at least I’m not that ****.
      It’s a brave new world out there, so buckle up my friend,

      1. Diagram of a Discovery Channel “reality” show, or, how to stretch 10 minutes of content into a half hour program:

        [opening] recap of previous shows, some action, preview of next segment [commercials] recap of previous segment, some action, preview of next segment [commercials] recap of previous segment, some action, preview of next program [credits]

        Spread the limited action among 3 or 4 different locations, all of which involve some variation of the same activity. This works whether you are catching fish, mining cold, driving a truck, rummaging through a storage locker, etc.

  2. I am beginning to think almost all of television is some sort of combined plot.

    MY example is from 20 years ago, when I was still addicted to soap operas, back before I became interested in politics, which is quite similar, but I digress.

    One day I was watching one of the NBC shows, probably “Days of Our Lives,” when I heard an odd phrase: “I could care less.” As the daughter of an English teacher, it made my hair stand on end, because the correct phrase is “I couldn’t care less.” (If you can care less, then you CAN. If you cannot, then there is no less that you can care about something.)

    Within a week, ALL of the NBC soap operas were using the incorrect term. And it spread to Johnny Carson. interviews on Dave Letterman, and news shows! It has continues to this day.

    So what is the reason for this? Are they all plagiarists? Lemmings? Some sort of mind-control?

    All I know is that there is something weird about television.

  3. And what of the “hair knob”? Is it but the dimwitted cousin of the bun? Or something else entirely? Please explain, for I know you are wise in the ways of these tightly-condensed hair configurations.

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