We’re All Soldiers Now

subtitle: The Real Enemy is Time and Gravity

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Our regularly scheduled Sunday Morning Poetry Throwdown will not be seen today. In it’s place will be an open discussion about the real war on women.

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You know, it’s not just the left-leaning liberal progressive Democrats who want to talk  about the private female businesses in public. Am I not a woman? Do I not have private female business? I do. And I’m going to invite you, you right-leaning conservative traditionalist Republicans, to speculate about them now.

OK, left-leaning liberal progressive Democrat readers are always invited to participate. AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. I love you guys.  As people, not as political bellwethers. But you know, love is love. Love is all you need. And so on.

Issue #1 Armpit hair I’ve come to accept that my armpit hair is not located where it used to be. Okay. WHATEVER.  Even though I was completely unprepared, I understand now that gravity has done its dirty work and moved my “armpits” (as defined by (1.) the place where the hair grows and (2.) the place where you rub your solid deodorant/antiperspirant onto). But here’s the thing – I happened to be admiring myself  me in the bathroom mirror while I was waiting for the shower water to warm up,  as you do. I was considering lathering up and taking a twin bladed swipe at that goddamned single chin hair when I took a look at my armpits. Guess what? My right armpit has far less hair than my left armpit. What is that? Is it a sign of disease? And lady friends, you know what disease I mean. If you haven’t looked at your armpits lately, please do so now for the benefit of this discussion.

Issue #2 At the moment I forgot what it was but I’m sure it will come back to me. Maybe it was the goddamned single chin hair.

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12 thoughts on “We’re All Soldiers Now

  1. I’m guessing you’re right handed, which explains your armpit.

    I might be wrong, since I made up that theory as I wrote. It’s a good theory and I like it.

  2. This is how my day goes:

    Why are my eyelashes pointing down on my left eye?
    Does my right cheek look swollen to you?
    I think this mole is changing.
    Is this bump getting bigger?
    Do you ever get a pain, like, right here?
    I sooo do not want to have to go to the dentist.
    I wonder if my insurance covers optical exams?
    I think my heart skipped a beat.
    Will you feel my pulse…did you feel it???!

    So how was your day??

  3. All of us Who Know Who We Are (tm pend.) got together and had a meeting.

    It was short.

    We spit on the flag, denounced The Wall-Street Imperialist Lapdog-Warlords Who No Longer Podcast, sang “The Internationale” and promised to struggle to achieve correct Mao thought. After that all of us who comprise the local anarcho-syndicalist commune unanimously voted to send a big wet kiss to our favorite glamorous blonde Yankee and her dog.

    Hey, we may want to occupy Wall Street, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t keep an eye on your place and water the hostas while you’re gone.

  4. One chin hair is no BFD. You need a lighted mirror with high magnification and a good tweezer (get the mirror at Bed, Bath & Beyond). Do not use a razor blade or scissors. I know this from nearly two decades of experience. As for underarm and leg hair, I count my blessings that in my sixth decade I only have to shave them once a month. Even at that, the hairs are so sparse I can count them. Plus, I’m a natural blond so leg hair has always been thin and light. Be happy 🙂

  5. Age and hair:
    Less on the crown of my head.
    Virtually none on my legs.
    More on my big toes.
    Less in pits. (Due to recent shave no information on whether one side is more bald than the other)
    More on chin. (Only one would be a huge gift)
    More on upper lip. (Thus forcing the employ of a wonder of science known as Tweeze)
    Less on eye lashes.
    Strangely, startlingly more on one particular mole on my arm.
    More on sideburns

    Conclusion:
    About the same amount, but relocated to areas that cause me to wish I was a drinker.

  6. Well, I’m now into my menopause, which should give me pause to be around the man. I have almost no armpit hair, since it is all silver and can’t be seen. I do however have pain in my armpits, especially after enjoying a very good meal.

  7. I began a painful and seemingly pointless commitment to the Epilady years ago and after countless sessions of ripping the hair out by the roots, I have almost no hair under my armpits. If I abandoned my resolve now and left them alone, my armpits would look like a Chinese man trying to grow a beard – just a few long, altogether singular hairs struggling to survive.

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