Are we still saying “cocooning”? Or did we leave that behind in the 90s? What are we saying now for when the holidays are over, it’s 12 degrees outside and you just want to hole up inside your own home on the new sofa with a down throw, a companionable sweetheart and the remote?* Because that’s where I’m at right now.
I thought I hit paydirt when I stumbled across Celebrity Wife Swap. I’m a long time fan of regular Wife Swap, although by default. Trading Spouses was by far the superior show. They had a weirder set of featured spouses – people who ate food 3 month old food that wasn’t refrigerated, God Warriors and women who are “intolerant to smokers, overweight people, homeless people, Mexicans or anybody who makes her nervous.” They also had a $50,000.00 payoff at the end with an astonishing surprise to the the families – the temporary spouse decided how the money would be spent for the family. The tears were absolutely genuine and of the You Asshole! – I was gonna to use that money for a new car and a cruise and now I’m stuck with a piano, ten sessions with a marriage counselor and two bank accounts for my kids type and less of the you have insulted me and made me cry so I’m going to a hotel until this is over type.
EN-EEE-WAY, Celerity Wife Swap. The first time I came across it, I couldn’t get the sound to work on the TV so I entertained myself by trying to guess what they were saying. The next day, all was well with the TV and I saw another episode complete with sound. Totally boring. No conflict, no drama. Tears, but tears of internally generated awe for the other family for things like eating dinner together. And the celebrities are people like Flavor Flav and Carnie Wilson. So in the end it was a big letdown.
There’s very little TV that we can watch together as a couple. Sami is willing to watch almost anything and get involved with it, but he is predicable in his reactions no matter what the program is: the fathers are cold and bad and the women are sneaky bitches. He has no tolerance for brainless sitcoms and he doesn’t see the point of re-watching a favorite movie. So that leaves us with a DVD of Downton Abbey and countdown until the new season of Mad Men starts.
* I could have falsely written “a good book” there to make myself look better, but frankly, I’m still depressed that Budd Schulberg’s widow has not made a deal with the Kindle people yet. I still buy vintage hardcovers from AbeBooks.com**, but not for things I suspect I’ll be reading only once.
** Latest purchase: The End of the Innocence: The 1964-1965 New York World’s Fair, one of the rare occaisions when I spent more than $1.00 for an old book online. I hope it’s not crappy. I paid $9.00 for it.
“On the eve of opening day, a 12 billion candlepower beam of light was turned on over the fairgrounds, visible from New Haven, Connecticut, to Atlantic City, New Jersey, and outshining Times Square. Soon the world’s largest fountain would be turned on and a 610-bell carillon would ring out `There’s No Business Like Show Business.’ Already a highly contentious political battleground and social phenomenon, `the single greatest event in history’ was finally about to begin.”
How could that be crappy? I hope it’s not crappy.