Never Let A Crisis Go To Waste

Finally, the Rahm Emanuel light bulb went off inside the head of a non-intellectual like me. I now agree 100% with the sentiment in the title of this post. I think  we should take full advantage of  the reevaluation of security measures to get rid of some of the more irksome factors associated with modern-day flying. Yes, please tighten up the security screenings in the aftermath of the Christmas Nutsack Bomber and while you’re at it, regulate the overhead bin hogs, limit the up and downing for the restrooms and segregate the babies.

This is the perfect opportunity to reduce the number of carryons from “2” to one. I say “2” with quotation marks to imply inexactitude because  you cannot believe how that translates to real practice. Modern airline passengers laugh at your “2” piece limit. But now is the time to take a page from the Democrat playbook and take action that may be unpopular with the majority of Americans and that also holds many layers of unrevealed impositions.

  • It’s not enough to limit carry-ons to one, I think that “carry-on” should be clearly defined. One briefcase – check. One tote bag – check. Got a winter coat? – either count that as your carryon or wear it for the whole trip. One children’s bag – check. That means the amount of toys and amusements you take on board have to fit into the the kid’s diaper bag or backpack. Side benefit (1): less competition for limited overhead space.
  • In fact, take everybody’s coat away when they get down the jet way. Right now, the carry-on that won’t fit cget’s checked on the jet way before you go board the plane itself. I say put up a coat rack, hand eveyone a coat check tag and roll that rack down into the cargo hold. Upon arrival at the destination, those with coats stand on the jet way, just like they do now for extra bags, strollers and walkers – and pick up their coats. Side benefits (3): faster seating process without taking off coats while standing the aisle and looking for a place to stuff them, more room in the seats and overhead bins.; less arms waving in the aisles trying to find the sleeve holes upon deplaning.
  • Stop the practice of bringing food boxes/bags onto the planes to eat in flight. Some of that stuff is explosive all by itself. One could easily hide a wad of  C-4 in a Big Mac -who’d even know? Side benefit (2) less stinkage on the plane; less restroom visits.
  • Institute pay toilets. Unpopular, I know, but this measure will reduce bustling about the cabin and make it easier for the waitresses to keep an eye on suspicious looking travelers. It will also will cut down on the lookie loos who just want to stretch their legs. Side benefit(1); only the seriously needy will pay to go so you won’t be asked to let anyone out of your row unless it’s a real situation.
  • For families with young children: No singing ABC’s or asking “Where’s your eyes? Where’s your nose?” Keep that noise level down so we can hear the matches being struck to light the fuse.
  • Create separate lines at the security check to separate the expert travelers from the vacationers and their mounds of clothing and full pockets. No benefit to overall safety here, really but how nice that would be if the families and nervous first-timers could be culled out. If they make it though the security check, then everybody gets a shot of Benedryl for the ride.
  • Inspect the babies. Pull them all over to the side and take those diapers off, dump out the diaper bags, squish through the baby food containers and x-ray those bottles. Make it so inconvenient for people to inflict their babies on other travelers that they’d be happy to pay for a special child-friendly flight that stocks diapers and suitable food. Isolate them. Side benefits (2) This system would speed up security check in for flights full of only of expert travelers making for happier big ticket customers and the TSA could better plan  for proper staff  time allotment for the extended time needed to search through all the babies.

UPDATE: Ivana Trump Gets Belligerent, Is Escorted Off Plane

What a bullshit headline. “Police say Ivana Trump has been escorted off a plane in Florida after she became belligerent when children were running and screaming in the aisles.” See what I mean about the messed up attitude  towards kids on planes?  They should have lifted the toilet seat lid and shoved the kids out. Problem solved.

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11 thoughts on “Never Let A Crisis Go To Waste

  1. CGHill: They haven’t had peanuts for years. Not since one person with an allergy complained, and millions of other people were forced to suffer for it.

    And, Suzette: I agree wholeheartedly with every one of your suggestions. Some of them I would like to implement in restaurants, as well. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come in danger of losing a tray of drinks and/or food because some nitwit has to fling their coat and arms up over their head in order to get it on. Just put your damn coat on like an adult!

  2. Guy puts bomb in shoe = we have to take off shoes at security gate. Guy puts bomb in pants = ??

    Which leads to recent conversation…

    Wife: When are we going back to the Bahamas?
    Me: When I can drive there.

  3. I will need to get a different job if I am “forced” to “check my bag”…my priceless possessions in the hands of TSA!?…never!!!!

  4. Can you add books to the list? I was on a flight recently where the mother read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory out loud for 1.5 hours. Actually, the kids get a bad rap -we should just ban parents.

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