• Red Crossed – a rant against the money-grubbing Red Cross and how they decide to use your donations. You’re not giving money for what you think you are. Try to guess how I feel about the Red Cross.
• Dear Barack – about the note that the Boston Bomber wrote to serve as his last will and testament as he was being surrounded in that boat. Key words: martyr, retribution for U.S. military action, “collateral damage”
• The Other Half – husbands who have predicable and annoying standard responses when you ask them any question. What do you mean ask them any question? What do you mean just what I said? What do you mean you can’t stand it anymore?
• The Brother-In-Laws of Joan Baez – this one I am really going to finish one day. It involves a seaside hippie nature wedding of one of her sisters where the wedding dress was a designer original.
• Uh Oh- Breaking news about a shortage of dialysis tubes after an Italian earthquake. Because who doesn’t want to keep informed about global dialysis news?

There are about 20 more but I am ignoring them all to devote my time to something much more important.

Opening today at the LBJ Library 

“The First Ladies Collection” of Madame Alexander Dolls.“

link via OurPesidents*

*I’m not linking them because today is the founding of the Red Cross in 1881 and they chose to go with a picture of a dead Kennedy instead of The Angel Of The Battlefield. Here – let me fix that:

2 clara barton dolls

good morning

• Angry stomping + pigeon toes = hi-larious!
• He telegraphs his resolve my making a face that looks like he’s holding back barf
• Machine-gun style delivery that implies he took time out from his busy presidentin’ to speak to the nation but he’s got to get back right away!
• What’s up with the excessive shininess of his ears? That was a waxy distraction!
• Late to the party by a few days. People could make money setting up pools predicting how long he can avoid an issue of national interest.
• Late to his own party by a few minutes. This gave the cable guys plenty of time to set up the issue which made the actual performance look even more hollow.
• The “Man of Action” announced the firing of somebody who already had resignation papers submitted. I gotta give it to him – this was clever.
• Setting up all of Congress to take the hit from astonished America when only mild wrist slapping occurs, to be followed by the creation of  onerous regulation. At least he didn’t call out Bush this time. (momentary lapse)

Here’s an idea: how about applying the existing laws to this case instead of threatening new ones? Could it be that he is unaware of what the applicable laws are? Or was the whole gun control thing so successful in promising new restrictive laws without pointing out that zero tolerance laws already exist? Key words: Chicago, gun violence, shot down in Hyde Park.

It was all over too soon. Sadly, there’s also a list of things that did not happen but would have enhanced this performance for me. Maybe we’ll get lucky next time  and see one or two of the following:

• a fly landing on his face.
• pigeon-toe entanglement on the way out
• tie-in to free birth control
• 29 black kids and 1 wan-looking  white kid standing behind him in in cheap t-shirts whipped up 30 minutes earlier.
• insertion of iconic buzzphrase ”punished with an audit”
• mention of the Show Ponies as victim-prototypes. Let me be clear – not actual victims, just mute  generational representatives of some kind of victimization.
• production of a single  Iron Eyes Cody-type tear
• appointment of a special prosecutor

He’s got another shot at it today when he appears at a WH press conference. I should make up some bingo cards.

MOTHER’S DAY UPDATE:

Brunch: Champagne and caviar.

Lupper: Grilled Salmon burgers

Dessert: Wierdo hippie ice cream

Later: presents galore

My children are the best, all 3 of them.

……………………………………..

The Scene: Mid morning out on the sunny deck. A chill breeze blows.

The Players: A man, a woman, a little dog

Man: How were those cookies I brought you before?

Woman: Good. Plain and tasty. I shared them.

Man: Shared them‽ With who?

Woman: [does not speak but side eyes the dog]

Man: [does not speak but conveys the impression that he is working up a wise crack]

Woman:[defensively]  I’ve got nobody left to mother! I even washed his ass today.

Man: This is when I miss my mother. If she was still here, she would have washed MY ass for ME.

Woman: I still would wash the asses of our kids if they would let me.

Man and Woman: [contemplative silence]

End scene.

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