The president is returning to the capital Monday to, quote, “monitor the preparations for an early response”

What a relief! The president is monitoring the hurricane. All those tree removal trucks and out of state power company trucks that I saw on the interstates this weekend could have stayed home with their feet up if they knew this! Rest easy, New Jersey, as Hurricane Sandy makes landfall right over your poor dumb head. The president is vigilantly monitoring the storm on your behalf. If you are a business owned by a Democrat. The rest of you are out of luck.

When a big storm is coming, it’s not a good thing to dwell on the news. Last week I was in Denver for 2 potentially significant snowfalls. The second was due to hit on the morning I was to fly home. The prediction early in the week was for 4-8 inches and my flight was very early so I got room service dinner and watched the local news to see if my plans were going to be impacted. They teased out the snowfall amount for the entire hour and kept saying “find put how  much snow we’re getting in just a moment”. They gave every other statistic, interviewed the entire male population of Colorado standing in front of plows, recalled previous snow storms but never said how much snow was coming. (p.s. it was “no snow”. That’s how much snow was on the ground the next morning.)

men at work monitoring the leaves in the street

Sami is outside decked head to toe in yellow rubber. The man loves a task-appropriate costume. He’s got Dickie coveralls dedicated to car fixing,  a twill pair dedicated to yard work, a short green rubber jacket for quick runs out in the rain and this stunning two-piece in canary yellow for hurricane prep.

The street is already full of fallen leaves and it won’t be long until the gusting winds knock the rest down. Then they’ll all float downhill towards the storm drain which will be blocked, clogged and useless for any actual drainage and then we’ll have water coming at us from an entirely new direction. We’re sharing a generator with the family next door on an alternating 30 minute schedule so I think we can keep the sump pump going to it’s maximum ability but who knows how long it can keep up with an already pressurized underground dam and an historic hurricane water dump?

We have plenty of hurricane-smart food and water and wine, a bathub full of flushing water and a closet full of  baby wipes. Sami’s got lanterns and radios standing by with fresh batteries and I have two unread LBJ books three if I find my birthday book and an itty bitty book light.

WWJVF?

Who would Jesus vote for? A Sunday service-skipping World Famous Fashion Icon and  Too Busy To Be A Mom™ campaigner?

“Obama, Malia, Sasha, Chicago godmother Kaye Wilson attend church Sunday”  Barack Obama, Malaria and Sausage attended church Sunday morning along with Kaye Wilson, who the girls have known forever since she is their “godmother” from Chicago. Michelle Obama, who is flying to Chicago Sunday to get ahead of Hurricane Sandy–so she can make her Iowa Monday stop–was not with them because she was getting ready to leave early for her trip, the White House said.] 

Questions:

  • Both girls have the same “godmother”?
  • Or even have a “godmother” at all?
  • Why has this “godmother” not been taking them to church for the last 4 years?
  • Is this a recently minted “godmother” for campaign purposes?]

72-Inch Me and Pinch Me went for a walk …

(Enjoy your borderline-appropriate grip sessions while ye may, Show Ponies. After November 6th, your services will no longer be needed.)

Or a modest doer of good works?

“Leadership: Romney campaign using Romney bus for East Coast storm relief efforts” Team Romney announced that the campaign bus will be used to help with storm relief efforts on the East Coast, as Hurricane Sandy bears down. Romney campaign will load storm relief supplies into Romney bus in Arlington Va today an will collect supplies at all VA victory offices.

Leading from the front. Now that’s a change.

DC insiders say that Joey “The Hyena” Biden relies on a crew of moles, spies and eavesdroppers to try and keep one step ahead of the opposing campaign. When his intelligence you should excuse the expression informed him that someone was offering  “free Weiner rides”, he assumed that Paul Ryan would be commandeering the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile to assist hurricane victims. The silver-plugged VP proposed opening up his private car on Amtrak to all displaced biker chicks he met on the campaign trail this year. Fortunately, White House staffers were able to head off this copy-cat publicity stunt when it was discovered that the true source of the offer was Huma’s husband, in town for the weekend and armed with a new iPhone 5.

Weird

Here’s 3 weird things, or 2 weird things if you bundle like events together:

Weird Thing 1. In downtown Denver, there are free shuttle buses that runs every two minutes the full length of 16th street and stops briefly at every corner.  The drivers watch in the mirror to see if people are still stepping off before they shut the doors and continue on. So one assumes they see a lot of feet during the course of the day. I was getting off the shuttle at the end of the line and as I walked past the front of the bus, the driver stuck her head out of the window and complimented my shoes and asked me where I got them. That never happened to me before.

Weird Thing 2. Or possibly Weird Thing 1a. In Denver airport, as I was working my way through the security check  (pat down. ugh. it’s a free show. everyone watches.) a middle-aged, middle-of-the-road kind of male TSA agent picked up my shoes from the bin and said “Nice shoes!” One assumes they see a lot of shoes during the course of the day.

Would you like to see these remarkable shoes? Here they are:

Ryka Leather and Mesh Slip-on Skimmers from QVC now on clearance for $23.50

 Big deal, right? I bought three pair. I was wearing the black ones on the shuttle and the blue ones in the airport. I can’t wait to see what happens when I wear the beige ones.

Weird Thing 3. I had a window seat on the plane for the trip home. About an hour out from landing, I noticed a collection of water droplets streaking across the outside of my window. I was trying to assess what the chance of me being sucked out through the little porthole if the window fell out when I drifted off to sleep for a few minutes. When I opened my eyes, the clouds all around were pink. I thought maybe I was already on the other side of the porthole and was pleased to discover that my death was painless. The pink only lasted a few minutes then it was back to regular earthly-type clouds …

BUT! …

I suddenly had the answer to a work problem that I had been struggling with for a few days. So who’s to say? Maybe I was dead and the angles told me which cohorts were missing from my census base. And then they returned me to United Flight 229. And gave me a nosebleed.

This was a weird trip.

Teddy Doesn’t Want One

I lost the copy of the LBJ book that my BFF gave me for my birthday. I’m sure ti will turn up somewhere – in a suitcase or tote bag or maybe it fell behind the dryer. In the meantime, I’m rereading Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Lyndon Johnson and the American Dream. This is a totally different kind of book than the Caro tomes – Kearns paints a portrait of a human being rather than a historical figure, but it’s a giant-sized human being who is more like a force of nature than a mere man.

There’s so much that I’m drawn to about his personality and right in the first pages of the prologue is one more reason: he was a Fresca fan.

“Informed of his preference for low-calorie drinks, the staff installed a special tap for Fresca in the cubbyhole immediately outside the Oval Office”.

Here’s a charming little anecdote about LBJ’s Fresca Summit in the White House. It’s billed as “a great Kennedy (no not that one) anecdote” but it’s really a story about LBJ’s skill at dominating the room.

Burke and Ted prepared their presentation for Johnson and then sat with him in the Oval Office. As Ted began his remarks about the failure of the United States to win over hearts and minds of the Vietnamese, Johnson cut him off.

“Now wait a minute, Teddy,” the president drawled. “There’s no need to rush on this. There was something I wanted to ask you first, and then we can get down to what you wanted to say.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Teddy,” Johnson said, pausing for effect. “Do you want a Fresca?”

“Um, no thank you, Mr. President,” Ted stammered.

As Ted tried once more to deliver his report, Johnson again interrupted and turned to Burke. “Dave, would you like a Fresca?”

“No thank you, Mr. President.”

“Well, I’m going to have a Fresca,” the leader of the free world announced. Then he turned to look at his butler, who was holding a silver beverage tray. “I’ll ask you again, Dave, are you going to have a Fresca with your president? We’d enjoy it.”

Burke caved. “Yes, Mr. President, I’ll have a Fresca.”

Johnson smiled. “Good, good. Now that’s good.” He turned to his butler. “David and I will have a Fresca.” He waited several beats before adding, “Teddy doesn’t want one.”

FYI – he also loved tapioca pudding. As do I.

What It’s Like To Be OnThe Frontlines Of The Real War On Women

I am off work this week trying to throw money at car salesmen and they in turn are trying to downsell me.

Incident 1. You already heard that when I was trying to buy a car with a built-in navigator, the Hyundai salesman asked me why don’t I just use a Garmin? value: $2,700 msrp (It’s more than a navigator – it’s bluetooth for my phone and a back-up camera and a music identifier and I want what I goddamn want, ok?)


Incident 2
. I went to a different Hyundai dealership and the salesman there also tried the Garmin line PLUS asked me if I thought that I really really needed all-wheel drive. value: $1,750 msrp PLUS he told me that I would be more visible to the police if I insisted on an orange car. Hello? It’s my own little personal red hat thing, junior. (When I am an old woman, I shall wear highlights #12 and lowlights #7 with an orange car that doesn’t suit me and I shall spend my pension on gin and orchid corsages.)


Incident 3.
Today I went to verify that I love the 2013 Nissan Rogue which I got to know as a rental on two long business trips. The salesman thought I’d save a lot of money if I bought the 2012 because it as essentially unchanged. I told him no, so he went to retrieve the car I asked for so I could try out the equipment I wanted and he brought back a 2012 for me to test drive. value: undetermined I didn’t stay to hash it out because I had to leave when he referred to my fatness. (Yes he did.) ( The one absolutely unlivable thing about the Rogue is that it has crappy fabric like a  reusable grocery bag on the door handles and console cover when I was explaining that my current car has that and its a problem with hand prints and wear, he said something like  “Larger people like you and me have special problems and we need a lot of room to maneuver around.” Dude, I might be fat but I’m not so fat that I rub the fabric off of car doors.)

So there we have it. I have money (cash money) that I am just dying to throw at a car salesman and apparently I am so stupid, uninformed and/or hideous that they can’t bring themselves to take it from me.