Sadly, “Fool Stamps” Does Not Have Its Own Website

The latest We’re Laughing On The Outside But Crying On The Inside internet sensation is the ObamaPhone lady who wants to “keep Obama in president”.

Interesting thing about that Obama  Phone – did you know it’s been a federal program since 1966 ? And not only is it this program known as Obama Phone but Obama Phone has its own website? I’m not even kidding!

One wonders if Bill Clinton knows that this provision of the legislation he signed in 1966 is now being promoted as “The Obama Phone”.

Dear Democrats,

We are eternally grateful to you that there is not yet any such thing as “The Weiner Phone”.

Yours truly, America

Troubled Waters

The creek project is almost at an end and I am not going to complain about how it looks.

It won’t be so bad once I stick a few more bushes along the wire dog fence and the dirt over there starts growing its usual weeds, vines and other scrubby vegetation. There sure is a lot of sky sticking out though now that the trees are gone. Also, you can see that Sami has been wrasslin’ with his castoff wheelbarrow collection.

I will, however, tell you that for a week now the sump pump in my basement has suddenly started running and pumping out water every 15 minutes. It washed away the mulch in my new rose garden and it’s going to screw up my lovely new concrete garden path and I guess eventually it will rot the wooden fence posts.

We tried diverting the sump pump pipe under the air conditioner  to be less troublesome but that didn’t work as you can see.

Everyone is mystified! Mystified and  barely interested! Although the creek workers said that they’ve seen air bubbles coming up through the mud of the creek bed for exactly the same period, the township inspector has to think about what could be the source of this new water issue.  The youngest/newest township engineer told Sami he saw water gushing up from the creek bottom. But still, what a mystery this is.

At the opposite end of the water spectrum, although the township swears that they have done nothing to divert the water flow from the big concrete pipe, only the tiniest little trickle is coming out of it. During any rain storm when the drain water would jump out of that pipe, now it’s the same little trickle whether raining or not.

So the mystery deepens. What happened to the water that used to come out of the concrete pipe? Where is the water coming into our basement and out the sump pump coming from?  Could the two issues be related? NO! PROBABLY NOT!  DEFINITELY NOT! BUT WE ARE GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT!

The workers are now raking over the place where the big machines used to sit and laying down mats of grass seed and fertilizer. They’ll be gone by the end of the day. The creek project will be finished.


UPDATE: I forgot to tell you that last week we had another homeowner water disaster. The old house in Pennsylvania was empty so we had the pipes drained and winterized. Last week we asked  the water company to turn the water back on and they did it when we weren’t there. They opened the valve full blast and the force  of the water blasted the radiator caps and washing machine hoses right off. Resulting in a big wet mess. Poor old recuperating Sami had to go and clean up the soaked carpeting, etc  with the help of another old but dependable senior citizen.

So obviously  water is in our horoscopes this month. I’m just happy that we’re not taking a sea cruise right  now.

A Flock Of Sheep A Swarm Of Ants A Toleration Of Bumps

My father hit a bump in the road when he fell backwards and banged the back of his skull on concrete. He died four days later.

A 30 year old dietitian that I worked with hit a bump in the road when her second total mastectomy failed to halt the cancer marching through her body.

My cousin hit a bump in the road when her drunken father shot her between the eyes with a hunting rifle.

My uncle hit a bump in the road when leukemia made it impossible for this blood to carry the oxygen he needed to keep on living.

My great aunt hit a bump in the road when her deranged son took an axe to her forehead.

My neighbor hit a bump in the road when the coal mine he was working in collapsed and crushed him.

72 Israeli athletes hit a bump in the road when they were taken hostage  from Munich’s Olympic Village and murdered by PLO operatives funded by Mahmoud Abbas.

Leon Klinghoffer hit a bump in the road when he was shot in his wheelchair on a cruise ship and then pushed overboard by Palestinian terrorists.

People on TWA Flight 800 hit 230 bumps all at once when the plane exploded and crashed into the sea minutes after takeoff from JFK.

3,000 Americans hit a televised bump in the road on September 11, 2001

Daniel Pearl hit a bump in the road when he was beheaded by a gang of Pakistanis with Al Qaeda connections.

Ambassador Christopher Stevens hit a bump in the road when he was dragged out of the US Embassy in Libya, tortured, murdered and his body was dragged through the streets of Benghazi.

America hit a bump in the road the day that Barack Hussein Obama took office as president of a  prosperous land populated by a free people.

“But I was pretty certain and continue to be pretty certain that there are going to be bumps in the road because, you know, in a lot of these places the one organizing principle has been Islam.” — President Obama in an interview with “60 Minutes.”

Nice Day For A Ride

Today I pried myself away from all of the left-over work tasks that I couldn’t get done during the week and went down to my favorite junk store to buy a fall wreath for the front door*. On the way back, I was behind a pack of people on shiny chromed up saddle-bagged motorcycles. Whenever I see a bunch like this, not matter how much leather they’re wearing or whatever crazy thing they have painted on the back of their jackets, I can’t help but think that they are off duty dentists instead of some wild bunch of misfits.

Drills Angels

I was wrong though. When we were all stuck at a crowded down-townish intersection waiting to move on, I got a good look at the women and they were a little rough looking. Unless this was a pack of dentists with toughie girl wives. I don’t know. But then something happened that irritated me.

All of a sudden, the bike at the left rear of the pack moved forward into the intersection and the toughie girl raised her hand to stop the cars. The other motorcycles started to ride slowly forward and I realized that they were “protecting” two adult male dorks on regular bicycles who were trying to cross the street. As soon as the adult male dorks were across, the toughie girl waved the traffic forward and the bikes roared away.

I found that very irritating. I don’t know why. The essence of it was a good thing – looking out for each other. A kindness. But there was something grating about it. Maybe the adult dorks didn’t want to be brothers with the toughies. Maybe the toughies, under other circumstances, would never approach let alone claim temporary kinship anyone outside of their immediate motorbiking circles. Maybe the toughies consider themselves to be do-gooders because of this act, repeated countless times for countless dorks on bikes.

The adult male dorks didn’t even appear to notice what was going on.

* I bought some cute jingly Christmas doorknob decorations  too.

The Lookyloos Are Going To Flip Their Shit When They See This

Major action on the creek project. Yesterday they knocked down the rest of my trees (my tr e e e e s!), save one scrawny specimen, and laid down an extension to the concrete pipe. The Poodle stood on the muddy slope for an extra 5 minutes pondering it last evening. Wait till he gets a load of this:

standing at the fenceline

Yesterday, after The Poodle continued on his evening rounds, someone new came around. It was woman with 5 toy-sized dogs on leashes. She stood right in the spot where The Poodle stands and looked around in thoughtful contemplation like The Poodle does. then she turned and left. #1. I think the Poodle reported to her and she came to see for herself. #2. thos dogs were completely silent. COMPLETELY. There was a long-haired chihuahua, a pom, a cairn terrier and 2 i dont know whats. I couldn’t tell because they were in a constant swirl of changing places, but silently.

When The Poodle gets over his inspection, I imagine he’s going to summon his posse and there will be non-stop traffic to get a look.


I’m looking at a pile of flyers, clothing catalogs and advertising circulars that have accumulated on my coffee table. These are just the ones saved because I had a fleeting fancy for one item that I might come back to and seriously consider for purchase. It rarely works out that way though. If they don’t get knocked to the floor and chewed by the dog, then I eventually scoop them up and throw them away. Is that how it is for everybody? Please say yes otherwise I’ll be crushed by self-loathing.

I remember a time when I thought the 20% off coupon from Bed Bath & Beyond was like a jewel. A treasure. Now I throw those away, too – that store has nothing I want. It’s like it’s lost it will to purvey ever since Linens N Things went out of business. Meh. Maybe its just me. I should stop by one day and buy a new potato masher from the gadget section. Maybe a new salad spinner would inspire me to eat more salad. Did you know that OXO makes a  high chair? It promotes “sitting up straight”.

Hey, want to make a good salad dressing?

  • 2 tablespoons of horseradish
  • 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
  • 2 tablespoons of milk to thin


  • 2 tablespoons of heavy cream to thin (Atkins version)


  • 2 tablespoons of water to thin (if you’re having a don’t really care about anything kind of day)
  • the green part of a scallion, chopped

Mix together. Pour onto salad. Boom.

I recently realized how glad I am that we’re all done with that pictures of tiny babies posed among vegetables thing. Jeez that was stupid. My own tiny babies were too precious to me to ever mistreat them like that. While it’s true that one of them fell out of my bed and got clunked on his head with a (full) ashtray  and the other one flopped out of her carriage down onto the cold mud, at least I never put cabbage leaves on their heads or propped them up on a turnip while they were sleeping. And so I feel that I am one of the better models of overall good parenting.