As I Sat In A Sunbeam

You would not believe what I saw today. Or what I think I may have seen.

First, a small victory: I sat in a sunbeam today and used a hand mirror and my best tweezers and  victory! – the elusive chin hair is no more. I held the tweezers up to the light and the damn thing looked more like a bristle from the backside of a boar than a hair from the silky chin of a refined gentlewoman.

Next, the war to come: it’s too awful. There were more – pale, soft and short – all in a cluster in roughly the same area. Oh, blessed ignorance! How much happier was I this morning.

And so, I have amended my Xmas list to include a pack of ‘Hair Off’ Facial Wax Strips. 

Xmas List

[Before reading this, you must understand that I fully embrace my materialistic nature and don't see why I should try to pretend that it's not there just because it's Xmas. It doesn't change the meaning of Xmas for me - it's there every day. It is what it is, Xmas or not.]

How can I answer the questions of “What do you want for Xmas?” when it’s things like this that thrill me the most?

“Knotty Pine” vinyl shelf liner from the dollar store. Also, some wrapping paper.

The dollar store heyday has long passed and it’s rare to get something that thrills besides wrapping paper or dinner plates to put under flower pots. Still, the occasional thrill is to be found. How can you predict it, though? The shelf life  at the dollar store is short and people don’t take you seriously when you start rhapsodizing about vinyl shelf liner.

A great find at a flea market would do, but it’s not really flea market weather here now. So for family members who have asked, here is my list in no particular order, which is populated by stuff from eBay:

Figgjo Flint egg cups. Tor Viking pattern.

1. Figgjo Flint Tor Viking egg cups. You forgot about my egg obsession, didn’t you? These would add to my breakfast service set, which so far is only one porcelain skillet and two bread and butter plates. Maybe some tiny little S&P shakers that would sprinkle only over the opening of a soft cooked egg.

Zyliss Lift n Lock can opener

2. A new manual can opener. The Zyliss Lock n Lift Can Opener. This one’s from Amazon, but I guess you could find it on eBay too.

Southern Glow, so pleasantly 70’s with its avocado and orange pattern

3. Noritake Southern Glow sugar and creamer and/or some cups and saucers to match my 1970’s teapot. A casual tea service (to put on top of my my new mission-style buffet which I haven’t purchased yet but will put in the den [which incidentally STILL isn't finished] for easy access and set tea on it for after dinner once the pre-dinner bar set up is cleared away) ! It’s like Downton Abbey around here with the specialized dishes. And I’m like the lord. Technically, I guess I should have said I’m like the lady of the manor but its too late now and you can’t put the high-powered executive woman toothpaste back in the  patriarchal tube.

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Ivoire de Balmain. vintage. 1/4 oz. affordable.

4. Also, I wouldn’t mind some vintage Parfum Ivoire de Balmain.

But I don’t delude myself. Nobody is going to select any of these for me because NO ONE GETS ME. If they read my blog, they’d think of these themselves or at least would have a good idea of what to get. By the time Xmas rolls around and I’m done opening the stupid answering machine or sonic jewelry cleaner, these will be all disappeared from eBay never to be seen again. Maybe the can opener will survive in the marketplace.

Hate The Haters

Actual brag photo from a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner. Looking at this made ME thankful but probably not for the same reason.

Now that we’re all finished looking at vegetarians showing us pictures of their turkey-free Thanksgiving dinners and bragging about how tasty was their beige/brown mush piles were, it’s time to move on to the  holiday that misfits love to hate:  Christmas.

This happens to be one of the biggest Walmart stores I ever saw so it made this small group look even more pitiful.

Let’s take a short detour to gaze upon OccupyFreehold standing in front of the local Walmart on Black Friday. If their FB page is accurate, the core group has 7 people. There’s 8 here for the big event – they must have picked up a bored college student home for the weekend who was trying to get out of leaf raking. Plans were after the big demonstration in front of Walmart, they were planning to march up Route 9 to occupy Freehold Mall. The mall has more entrance doors that OccupyFreehold has members. There was noting in the papers today about it. My guess is they got as far as P.F. Chang’s and decided to have a go at occupying a table there.

Back to the Christmas haters. Grid your loins because we are about to be subjected to the usual lectures:

  • Christmas is nothing but crass commercialism
  • the lecturer is an atheist/agnostic and doesnt’ celebrate Christmas
  • the atheist/agnostic only goes through the motions of celebrating because of their parents and/or children (which means they go out and feed the commercial coffers by buying presents without symbolic meaning)
  • Christmas is too much pressure to be happy because of dashed expectations of a Hollywood perfect holiday during childhood
  • the lecturer does not even like Christmas and does something non-traditional (read:goofy) on Dec. 25th to prove his point, like paint a bedroom or clean out closets.

The haters do not realize how obvious their mental disorders and psychological hang ups are. Here’s the thing – we’re all hung up and disturbed in one way or anther. But most of us know not to go around beating the dissatisfaction drum about a major holiday celebrated by the 89% of America that identifies as Christian.

So keep your eyes open – the complaining about outdoor decorations should start in 3.. 2.. 1..

I Am Thankful That Reporters Are Still Willing To Capitalize Appropriately

Was there ever another president – or world leader anywhere- that “jokingly made the Sign of the Cross” at a photo op? I am offended.

How much longer till he’s gone? One would think that American citizens would be used to being insulted and mocked by this turd by now but he continually comes up with new ways to do it. Maybe this is his genius that we keep hearing about? Too bad he has to waste it on a pair of turkeys – too bad he couldn’t pardon his old pal/business partner Tony Rezko (yet).

The Show Ponies are not looking too happy here. Obviously this wasn’t their idea to be put on display again. Love the way Daddy is holding onto the big one’s hand as they make their entrance. What is she now -about 22? At least Sausage is true to form and displays her customary pouty face, but its sad to see that Malaria is not her usual smiley self. The thrill must be gone.

The Hunger

It was a dark and stormy day. She stood staring out the window contemplating the gloom,  trying to ignore that nagging feeling that she knew only too well.  This was a not a time that she felt gratitude for having a window at all. It was a toss up if she’d make it through the day or give in to the filthy vending machine before it was all over. She hated the weakness in herself, hated the wanting.

Sighing, she turned away and lifted the receiver of the out-dated desk phone. The knotted cord disgusted her. The sound of her own voice was startling in the silence

“Yeah. Gimme a half pepper and egg sub. Pick up.” 

Without leaving room for the sound of a single raindrop hitting the plate glass, a tinny voice responded to her.

“Hokay. Feefteen minootz.”

It was Louie. Louie! Dear God, the mere sound of his voice was enough to lift the gloom. She knew that Louie was the key to everything. Louie was going to take away the terrible emptiness and make everything better.

Time rushed and stood still and somehow she found herself in front of the familiar double doors. Their eyes locked. He knew without any words from her what she wanted. It seemed like forever until one of them finally spoke.

“That’s a six feefty two,” he said, not unkindly.

She handed over the crumpled bills and took the package from him. Soon she was in her private place where no one could see her, no one could interfere. Then she ate.