It’s All Lips And A-holes

I’m off to Nashville for the rest of the week. I’ll be too busy to blog, to read blogs or to jump on the next juicy development in Hillary’s climb to the top. Don’t let anything good happen while I’m gone but if it does, email me right away. I have a Blackberry and I’m not afraid to use it.

(Post title taken from a conversation I had the last time I was in Nashville. A helpful person advised me to eat at a local Mom and Pop type place instead of at the fast food burger chain, because "its all lips and A-holes in the meat over there." That’s the kind of counseling that you don’t forget.)

One more before I go:


And this is good old Washington
Home of the ass and the clod
Where the Obama  talks only to Kennedy   
And Hill’s got her pants in a wad 

No Chitchat Between Clinton and Obama at President’s Speech

"Clinton, clad in scarlet, crossed the aisle between their seats on
the House floor. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, the Democratic icon who had
endorsed Obama earlier in the day over Clinton, reached out his hand
when she came close. She took it; they shook. Meanwhile, Obama, dressed in a dark suit, had turned away."

(Has anyone seen Uncle Arthur around here lately? Because I’m feeling like I’m in an episode of Bewitched and someone has cast a spell on me to write bad poem puns whenever I read a Hillary headline.I can’t stop myself. Also, it would be a mercy if my source material was not quite so obscure.  "Color me peach and black" – is no one here a Prince fan? Or a student of Mayberriana? I’m going to start adding footnotes to explain myself. Maybe a week in the trenches will beat this kind of stuff out of me)


I Dreamed I Saw Ole Bill Last Night

In  my head, I believe that unions have done more harm than good. In my heart, I am union till the death. You should know that I come from a father who was UMWA and mother  who was ILGWU.  With apologies to the spirit of Joe Hill, whom I do admire deeply.

Kennedy Chooses Obama, Spurning Pleas By Clintons

I dreamed I saw Ole Bill last night,
Get down on bended knee
And beg the crown to Camelot
From Teddy Kennedy.
From Teddy Kennedy.
"The Party Bosses killed you Bill,
They shut you up" says me.
"Takes more than Ted to shut up me"
It’s about my legacy.
It’s about my legacy."
In Carolina, Bill," says I,
They told you tick a lock ,
"Ted K is mad. He wants to take you
Driving on a dock.
Driving on a dock."
.And standing there as big as life
And smiling though puffed eyes,
Says Bill "I’m here because I’m very good
At telling harmful lies.
At telling harmful lies."
.From Jacksonville to Miami,
In every speech for Hill,
Where cameras roll for cable news,
It’s there you find Ole Bill,
It’s there you find Ole Bill
.I dreamed I saw Ole Bill last night,
Alive as you and me.
Says I "But Bill, you’ve been cut dead
By Teddy Kennedy.
By Teddy Kennedy."

( Joe-Hill.mp3 )

Color Me Taken Aback

When the Treasury Department redesigned U.S. paper currency and issued the new $20 bill, I heard it referred to as the "peach twenty." Now the new tens are out and I don’t think it’s got a corresponding nickname.

It is the most colorful bill so far, but that’s not saying much. It’s still something of a letdown to see the varying shades of peach, dark peach and pale peach going on with the money. Am I the only one, who when the Treasury Department announced that U.S. paper currency would go colored, thought we’d be carrying the OSHA rainbow around on our pockets?

While I do enjoy the "ghostly image" in the white frame, that’s about all I can find to be positive about in this latest design. Even the much-touted "color-shifting ink" is a let-down in terms of flash and sizzle. The five dollar bill is up next and I can only hope that we’ll be seeing something different than the ho-hum peach, dark peach and pale peaches we’ve been treated to so far.

Now that I think about it, the only explanation I can come up is that the mint got a good deal on peach ink. Peach! Blue would have been more dignified but I guess it’s too late now.

What Would Jackie Do?

Td_5 Er, uh … Jackie? It’s me, Ted.

Jk_2 You again? Leave me alone – I’m dead. By the way, Mary Jo said that if I should ever hear from you, she’s got a message for you. She wants to know w…."

Td_5Er, uh … I know, I know. Never mind that. – Wait, don’t hang up! I have a matter of great importance to discuss with you. That rat bastard Clinton ignored my warning when I told him to simmer down and go along with the program. Now he has to pay.

Jk_2Oh Ted. Haven’t I been exposed to enough selfish womanizers? All I want now is peace and quiet and to sit around with Oleg Cassini.You’d think it would be different where I am now, but I haven’t see Ari for days and Maria Callas is missing, too. And  now that I think of it, where’s Marilyn? Jack … Jack? Bobby?

Td_5Er, uh … these hicks from Arkansas have gone too far this time. They never did catch on to how it’s done. They’re so proud of how they hoodwink and bamboozle the voting public that they can’t keep it to themselves. In terms of manipulation, shady deals and public devotion, no one can top the Kennedys.  We work behind the scenes and only a small circle of insiders understands how we do it.


* yawn * Must I endure these old family stories, too?

Td_5Er, uh … They don’t call us a clan for nothing. We need a high -profile Kennedy to stick it right back to the Clintons for not falling in line. We want to use your name to liken that other guy to Jack and then put the Kennedy family imprimatur on him. That should  fix their hillbilly wagons. Er, uh …  we’d use young Joe but frankly, it’s all he can do to keep Chavez covered.

Jk_2I do so appreciate your thinking of me, but it is with deeply regret that I must decline your kind offer. It would be most unseemly for me or anyone else from my immediate family to do this. And , by the way, don’t you think it’s just a little too unsubtle? The public won’t be fooled – they’ll remember that it was just last week that you took Bill to school about his behavior. They’ll understand that this is an orchestrated payback.

Td_5Er, uh … why would the public smarten up now? If the Democrats have one thing going for them, it’s the ability to tug on the emotional strings of the people. Evidence never matter! And facts – don’t make me laugh.

Jk_2Well, I’m not doing it.My reputation is solid class. Do you think I’d jeopardize that with a ham-handed move like this? People thought I was soft and only interested in fashion. Do you think that I got to where I am without a plan, and believe me, buster – I outsmarted plenty of people in my time. I’m too smart for a stunt like this. Get someone else – Ethel has a lot of free time.

Td_5Er, uh … Ethel!? We tried that last year – it wasn’t worth a damn.


He’s so adorable.



Td_5Er, uh … And you know what a pushover she is for a smooth talking rascal.


Well, I won’t do it. In fact, I can’t even think of anyone who’d be dumb enough to go along with this transparent plan.

Ck_2 I’ll do it.

Td_5Don’t worry. honey.  Er, uh … Uncle Teddy will tell you just what to say.

Ck_tk_2 Caroline Kennedy Endorses Obama


Stealth Reporting From Inside The First Meeting Of The Thursday Night Martini Club

Observation: A dirty martini could be much improved by using pickle juice instead of olive juice.

More to come …

6:30 am – Apparently, it’s not possible to be a fully engaged member of a martini club and blog about it at the same time. Or after it. I’ll try again next Thursday but based on what I now know, it doesn’t look promising.

Snap Out Of It

I saw Moonstruck on TV last night. I love that movie. Maybe its because Cher was still 3 cosmetic procedures away from her current plasticized face and before I realized that Nicolas Cage was such a nut. His three -month long marriage to Lisa Marie Presley followed by  a three month courtship of his waitress before the married in another few months, might be a clue. Kathleen Turner has newly released autobiography out in which she serves up quite a lot of juicy anecdotes about her costars, including Nicolas Cage:

Cag "He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk-driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He’d come across a chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket."

I think I’ll be adding this to my reading list, because even tough I have never been fond of Kathleen Turner and her dopey at-will accent, I do like a juicy bit of gossip. After all, it can’t be all about The Partion of Lahore and Phillip Roth, can it?

UPDATE: Kathleen Turner might have a few issues, too that become clear to me on reading the non-Nicolas Cage information at that link: "There’s also a rock band called Kathleen Turner Overdrive". Geez, even I know better than that. Did she just mishear it and was willing to belive that she is so beloved that rock bands are naming themselves after her?

( I guess I should just sit on these posts for a while before I publish them. It must mean something if I have to write an update for every single one. But what? UPDATE WITHIN THE UPDATE: It means I am a dope. As Jane points out, there is a band called Kathleen Turner Overdrive. Naturally, I was thinking of Bachman-Turner Overdrive. It must be a generational thing. excuse me while I dial the phone and play some records.)

A Poemumentary

Uncle Bill Uncle Bill
What did you do today?
I went to church but took a nap
when it was time to pray.

Uncle Bill Uncle Bill
Shake yourself awake!
I’m really not too interested
How long’s this gonna take?

Uncle Bill, Uncle Bill
You went to sleep again
I’m not asleep. My eyes just closed 
for only 5 or 10.

Uncle Bill Uncle Bill
You look asleep to me.
Well ,what the heck
Aunt Hil won’t know -unless its on TV.

What’s up with Uncle Bill? Is this the same person described in the New Yorker profile as playing cards all night and keeping sleepy journalists up with his endless stories? Does his recent behavior – this and the purple fits of recent weeks – strike you in any way at all as behavior befitting a former U.S. president, even if its an impeached one?

This video is getting big play on a lot of blogs today, but the most amusing comment by far can be found at Ace of Spades:

Was I sleeping?  Well, that depends on what the meaning of "zzzzzzz" is.